How to Find Your Core Values

To find your core values, list what you actually care about, not what you think you should care about. Then define each value in your own words, rank them, and check them against how you really spend your days. Revisit the list once a year. Some of what you cross out will be "shoulds" you picked up from other people.

Here's the six-step version I use, from Chapter 5 of Burnout, Bullshit, and Breakthroughs.

What values are (and why they're hard to see)

"Values are the invisible compass that guides your decisions, big and small." The tricky part is that "because they're so ingrained, you often don't even see them—until something goes wrong, or you feel an internal tug-of-war."

That tug-of-war is a sign. "You can hit every goal you set and still feel like you're missing the point."

Step 1: List your values, not your shoulds

“Ignore what you "should" value. Make a list of the things you actually care about—what makes you feel alive, proud, aligned, at peace.”

Avoid the generic words that look good on a poster. “Don't just copy generic words like "integrity" or "success." Make it personal. Some of my values are words I had to invent, because nothing else fit.”

Step 2: Define each one for yourself

A single word means different things to different people. “Write out your own definition for each value. What does "freedom," "creativity," or "connection" mean for you? Get as specific as you can.”

Here's how I define my top three (Chapter 8):

• Self-Actualization: "The path of becoming who I'm truly capable of being, even when it means sacrificing comfort for growth."
• Truth/Reality: "Relentlessly pursuing what's real. Not getting caught in illusions, not bullshitting myself, and not settling for half-truths."
• Peace of Mind/Tranquility/Calm: “No attachments, no addictions, learning to cope with fear and confusion. Stability and space to just "be."”

Step 3: Rank them and come back to them

"I keep my top 10 values in Notion and update them every year." They do shift after big changes. "In the beginning, I looked at them every day. Now, I check in every month or when life gets messy."

Step 4: Spot the stand-ins

Some values are really covering for something else. “If you put "money" or "status" at the top, ask yourself: is this a real value, or is it just a stand-in for something deeper (like freedom or contribution)?”

Step 5: Turn your shoulds into values

This step uses the guilt you already have. “Take every "I should…" and ask: what's the value hiding behind it?”

• "I should call my parents more" → Maybe "I value family."
• "I should work out more" → "I value health and vitality."

Some shoulds turn out to hide a real value. Others turn out to be somebody else's script, and you can let them go. "You don't need to justify your values to anyone. You don't need permission to live for what matters to you."

Step 6: Test them against real life

"Are your actions matching your values, or just your aspirations? If there's a gap, don't beat yourself up—get curious."

When two values pull in different directions

As the book says, "you can't live every value equally at all times." Work can pull you away from health or friends; ambition can clash with rest. The book's advice is simple: "Ask yourself which value matters most right now." Balance doesn't mean equal. It means "making conscious trade-offs and revisiting them as life changes."

Make your values easy to live

Knowing your values is half of it. The other half is removing what's in the way. “friction will kill your values faster than "bad habits." If eating healthy is a value, but your fridge is empty and your kitchen's a mess, it's never going to happen.”

So:

• Lower the bar.
• Make it stupidly easy to live your values.
• Systematize the boring stuff (meal prep, reminders, automations).
• Keep your values visible—on your phone, your wall, your Notion dashboard.

One thing to try today

Write ten "I should…" sentences (15 minutes). Then, next to each one, write the value hiding behind it, or "not mine". Circle the three values that came up most. That's a first draft of your list.

Your values are also the first part of a personal purpose statement, and the free purpose self-check starts with them too.

Free: After the Crash is about the practical side of living what matters: the not-to-do list, saying no and setting up your space so the right things are easy. The free edition: isakvidinghoff.com/free-book

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Sources

• Burnout, Bullshit, and Breakthroughs, Ch 5: "Values are the invisible compass that guides your decisions, big and small."
• Burnout, Bullshit, and Breakthroughs, Ch 5: "List Your Values, Not Your Shoulds… Define Them for Yourself… Rank and Revisit…"
• Burnout, Bullshit, and Breakthroughs, Ch 8: "Self-Actualization… Truth/Reality… Peace of Mind/Tranquility/Calm"
• Burnout, Bullshit, and Breakthroughs, Ch 5: “Take every "I should…" and ask: what's the value hiding behind it?”
• Burnout, Bullshit, and Breakthroughs, Ch 5: "You don't need permission to live for what matters to you."
• Burnout, Bullshit, and Breakthroughs, Ch 5: "You can hit every goal you set and still feel like you're missing the point."
• Burnout, Bullshit, and Breakthroughs, Ch 5: "you can't live every value equally at all times."
• Burnout, Bullshit, and Breakthroughs, Ch 5: “friction will kill your values faster than "bad habits."”