About the Author
ELAINE N. ARON, Ph.D., has been researching sensory processing sensitivity since 1992 and, besides scientific articles, has written The Highly Sensitive Child, The Highly Sensitive Person in Love, The Highly Sensitive Person Workbook, and The Undervalued Self. With her husband, Art Aron, she is also well known for her study of close relationships. She trained at the San Francisco Jung Institute and maintains a psychotherapy practice in the Bay Area as well as teaching public and professional workshops. (Location 4961)
This greater awareness of the subtle tends to make you more intuitive, which simply means picking up and working through information in a semiconscious or unconscious way. The result is that you often “just know” without realizing how. (Location 770)
HSPs tend to be visionaries, highly intuitive artists, or inventors, as well as more conscientious, cautious, and wise people. (Location 774)
compared to non-HSPs, most of us are: • Better at spotting errors and avoiding making errors. • Highly conscientious. • Able to concentrate deeply. (But we do best without distractions.) • Especially good at tasks requiring vigilance, accuracy, speed, and the detection of minor differences. • Able to process material to deeper levels of what psychologists call “semantic memory.” • Often thinking about our own thinking. • Able to learn without being aware we have learned. • Deeply affected by other people’s moods and emotions. (Location 822)
Most of us have nervous systems that make us: • Specialists in fine motor movements. • Good at holding still. • “Morning people.” (Here there are many exceptions.) • More affected by stimulants like caffeine unless we are very used to them. • More “right-brained” (less linear, more creative in a synthesizing way). • More sensitive to things in the air. (Yes, that means more hay fever and skin rashes.) (Location 835)
HSPs tend to fill that advisor role. We are the writers, historians, philosophers, judges, artists, researchers, theologians, therapists, teachers, parents, and plain conscientious citizens. What we bring to any of these roles is a tendency to think about all the possible effects of an idea. (Location 951)
To sum it up again, you pick up on the subtleties that others miss and so naturally you also arrive quickly at the level of arousal past which you are no longer comfortable. That first fact about you could not be true without the second being true as well. It’s a package deal, and a very good package. (Location 985)
You were born to be among the advisors and thinkers, the spiritual and moral leaders of your society. There is every reason for pride. (Location 988)
Think of what the infant and the body have in common. First, both are wonderfully content and cooperative when they are not overstimulated, worn out, and hungry. Second, when babies and sensitive bodies really are exhausted, both are largely helpless to correct things on their own. The baby-you relied on a caretaker to set limits and satisfy your simple, basic needs, and your body relies on you to do it now. (Location 1316)
The wise caretaker knows that much woe is avoided by responding to the infant /body at the first sign of distress. (Location 1320)
The way to come to tolerate and then enjoy being involved in the world is by being in the world. (Location 1453)
There is one other reason HSPs drive their bodies too hard, and that is their intuition, which gives some of them a steady stream of creative ideas. They want to express them all. Guess what? You cannot. You will have to pick and choose. Doing anything else is arrogance again and cruel abuse of your body. (Location 1471)
The choice of Mickey to be the apprentice was a good one—he is usually so representative of the average guy in our culture—upbeat, energetic. That energy has its good side; it promotes the belief that as individuals and as a people we can do anything if we work hard enough and are clever enough. Anyone can be president or rich and famous. But the “shadow” or dangerous side of that virtue (all virtues have a shadow) is that it makes life an inhuman competition. (Location 1479)
Since 80 percent of sensory stimulation comes in through the eyes, just resting with your eyes closed gives you quite a break. (Location 1510)
HSPs tend to be very conscientious and perfectionistic. We cannot “play” until all the details of our work are done. The details are like little needles of arousal poking us. But that can make it difficult to relax and have some fun. The infant/body wants play, and play creates endorphins and all the other good changes that undo stress. (Location 1515)
Besides sleep and recreation, HSPs also need plenty of “downtime” just for unwinding and thinking over the day. Sometimes we can do this while performing our daily tasks—driving, washing dishes, gardening. But if you have found ways to eliminate some of those tasks, you still need that downtime. Take it. (Location 1524)
Yet another form of rest, perhaps the most essential, is “transcendence”—rising above it all, usually in the form of meditation, contemplation, or prayer. At least some of your transcendent time should be aimed at taking you out of all ordinary thinking, into pure consciousness, pure being, pure unity, or oneness with God. Even if your transcendence falls short of this, when you return you will have a bigger, fresher perspective on your life. (Location 1526)
Here are some other psychological methods useful in handling overarousal: • Reframe the situation. • Repeat a phrase, prayer, or mantra that, through daily practice, you have come to associate with deep inner calm. • Witness your overarousal. • Love the situation. • Love your overarousal. (Location 1548)
Here’s a list of some purely physical strategies: • Get out of the situation! • Close your eyes to shut out some of the stimulation. • Take frequent breaks. • Go out-of-doors. • Use water to take the stress away. • Take a walk. • Calm your breathing. • Adjust your posture to be more relaxed and confident. • Move! • Smile softly. (Location 1565)
The mind often imitates the body. For example, you may notice that you have been walking around leaning forward slightly, as if rushing toward the future. (Location 1576)
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Part of maturing into wisdom is transferring more and more of your sense of security from the tangible to the intangible containers. (Location 1598)
Make good boundaries your goal. They are your right, your responsibility, your greatest source of dignity. But do not become too distressed when you slip up. Just notice how much better you are getting at it. (Location 1610)
So, want to practice? Go sit by a radio. Imagine yourself with some kind of boundary around yourself that keeps out what you don’t want—maybe it is light, energy, or the presence of a trusted protector. Then turn on the radio but keep out the radio’s message. You will probably still hear the words, but refuse to let them in. After a while, turn the radio off and think about what you experienced. Could you give yourself permission to shut out the broadcasting? Could you feel that boundary? If not, practice it again someday. It will improve. (Location 1615)
Finally, being sensitive to the discomfort, disapproval, or anger of others probably made you quick to follow every rule as perfectly as possible, afraid to make a mistake. Being so good all the time, however, meant ignoring many of your normal human feelings—irritation, frustration, selfishness, rage. (Location 1802)
In order to be willing to try new things, you need plenty of experiences in facing new situations and doing okay. (Location 1834)
Reparenting Your “Gifted” Self 1. Appreciate yourself for being, not doing. 2. Praise yourself for taking risks and learning something new rather than for your successes; it will help you cope with failure. 3. Try not to constantly compare yourself to others; it invites excessive competition. 4. Give yourself opportunities to interact with other gifted people. 5. Do not overschedule yourself. Allow time to think, to daydream. 6. Keep your expectations realistic. 7. Do not hide your abilities. 8. Be your own advocate. Support your right to be yourself. 9. Accept it when you have narrow interests. Or broad ones. (Location 1933)
The heart of this chapter and perhaps of this book is the reframing of your life in terms of your sensitivity. It is the task of seeing your failures, hurts, shyness, embarrassing moments, and all the rest in a new way, one that is both more coolly accurate and warmly compassionate. (Location 2012)
Five Ways to Handle Overarousal in Social Situations 1. Remember that overarousal is not necessarily fear. 2. Find other HSPs to talk to, one on one. 3. Use your arousal-reducing skills. 4. Develop a good “persona” and consciously use it. 5. Explain your trait to others. (Location 2108)
Enjoy the levity of others and allow yourself your own specialty. If you are not good at chitchat, be proud of your silence. Equally important, when your mood changes and your extraverted self appears, let it be as clumsy or silly as it needs to be. We are all awkward doing our nonspecialty. You possess one piece of the “good.” It would only be arrogance to think any of us should have it all. (Location 2202)
Follow Your Bliss and Let Your Light Shine Through (Location 2442)
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I know people who have tried and failed. Many of them. They may be out megabucks and megatime, but they’re still happier for having tried. Now they’re moving on to other goals, wiser for what they learned about themselves and the world. And really, since no effort amounts to a total failure, they’re much more confident about themselves than when they were sitting on the sidelines. (Location 2535)