Foreword
Happiness is not just a matter of feeling good. If it were, drug abusers would be the happiest people on the planet. (Location 80)
Introduction I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY!
We lead our lives ruled by many unhelpful and inaccurate beliefs about happiness — ideas widely accepted because “everyone knows they are true.” These beliefs seem to make good sense — that’s why you encounter them in nearly every self-help book you ever read. But unfortunately, these misleading ideas create a vicious cycle in which the more we try to find happiness, the more we suffer. And this psychological trap is so well hidden, we don’t even have a clue that we’re caught in it. (Location 103)
ACT (pronounced like the word “act”) was developed in the United States by psychologist Steven Hayes and his colleagues, Kelly Wilson and Kirk Strosahl. ACT has been astoundingly effective in helping people with a wide range of problems from depression and anxiety to chronic pain and even drug addiction. (Location 110)
The aim of ACT is to help you live a rich, full, and meaningful life while effectively handling the pain that inevitably comes your way. ACT achieves this through the use of six powerful principles, which will enable you to develop a life-enhancing ability known as “psychological flexibility.” (Location 117)
Is Happiness Normal?
In the Western world we now have a higher standard of living than humans have ever known before. We have better medical treatment, better food, better housing conditions, better sanitation, more money, more welfare services, and more access to education, justice, travel, entertainment, and career opportunities. Indeed, today’s middle class lives better than did the royalty of not so long ago. And yet humans today don’t seem very happy. (Location 120)
The statistics are staggering: in any given year almost 30 percent of the adult population will suffer from a recognized psychological disorder. The World Health Organization estimates that depression is currently the fourth biggest, costliest, and most debilitating disease in the world and, by the year 2020, it will be the second biggest. (Location 127)
almost one in two people will go through a stage in life when they seriously consider suicide and will struggle with it for a period of two weeks or more. Scarier still, one in ten people will at some point actually attempt to kill themselves. (Location 133)
Think of your friends, family, and coworkers. Almost half of them will at some point be so overwhelmed by misery that they seriously contemplate suicide. One in ten will actually go on to attempt it. Clearly, lasting happiness is not normal! (Location 135)
Why Is It So Difficult to Be Happy?
The primitive mind was basically a “Don’t get killed” device, and it proved enormously useful. The better our ancestors became at anticipating and avoiding danger, the longer they lived and the more children they had. (Location 144)
Another essential for the survival of any early human is to belong to a group. If your clan boots you out, it won’t be long before the wolves find you. So how does the mind protect you from rejection by the group? By comparing you with other members of the clan: am I fitting in? Am I doing the right thing? Am I contributing enough? Am I as good as the others? Am I doing anything that might get me rejected? Sound familiar? Our modern-day minds are continually warning us of rejection and comparing us to the rest of society. No wonder we spend so much energy worrying whether people will like us. No wonder we’re always looking for ways to improve ourselves or putting ourselves down because we don’t “measure up.” (Location 151)
A hundred thousand years ago we had only the few members of our immediate clan to compare ourselves with. But these days we only need to glance at a newspaper, magazine, or television to instantly find a whole host of people who are smarter, richer, slimmer, sexier, more famous, more powerful, or more successful than we are. (Location 156)
What Exactly Is “Happiness”?
the harder we chase after pleasurable feelings, the more we are likely to suffer from anxiety and depression. (Location 176)
The other far-less-common meaning of happiness is “living a rich, full, and meaningful life.” When we take action on the things that truly matter deep in our hearts, move in directions that we consider valuable and worthy, clarify what we stand for in life and act accordingly, then our lives become rich and full and meaningful, and we experience a powerful sense of vitality. This is not some fleeting feeling — it is a profound sense of a life well lived. (Location 177)
If we live a full life, we will feel the full range of human emotions. (Location 182)
The Journey Ahead
PART 1 How You Set the Happiness Trap
Chapter 1 FAIRY TALES
Myth 1: Happiness Is the Natural State for All Human Beings
Our culture insists that humans are naturally happy. (Location 212)
the statistical probability that you will suffer from a psychiatric disorder at some stage in your life is almost 30 percent. (Location 214)
Unfortunately, many people walk around with the belief that everyone else is happy except them. And — you guessed it — this belief creates even more unhappiness. (Location 217)
Myth 2: If You’re Not Happy, You’re Defective
Western society assumes that mental suffering is abnormal. It is seen as a weakness or illness, a product of a mind that is somehow faulty or defective. This means that when we do inevitably experience painful thoughts and feelings, we often criticize ourselves for being weak or stupid. (Location 220)
Myth 3: To Create a Better Life, We Must Get Rid of Negative Feelings
the things we generally value most in life bring with them a whole range of feelings, both pleasant and unpleasant. (Location 229)
Myth 4: You Should Be Able to Control What You Think and Feel
The Illusion of Control
thoughts, feelings, sensations, and memories are just not that easy to control. It’s not that you don’t have any control over these things; it’s just that you have much less control than you thought. (Location 283)
How We Learn about Control (Location 286)
From a young age, we are taught that we should be able to control our feelings. When you were growing up, you probably heard a number of expressions like, “Don’t cry,” “Don’t be so gloomy,” “Stop feeling sorry for yourself,” “There’s nothing to be afraid of.” With words such as these, the adults around us sent out the message again and again that we ought to be able to control our feelings. (Location 286)
The idea that you should be able to control your feelings was undoubtedly reinforced in your school years. For example, kids who cried at school were probably teased for being “crybabies” or “sissies” — especially if they were boys. Then, as you grew older, you probably heard phrases (or even used them yourself) such as, “Get over it!” “Shit happens!” “Move on!” “Chill out!” “Don’t be a chicken!” “Snap out of it!” and so on. These phrases imply that you should be able to turn your feelings on and off at will, like flicking a switch. (Location 297)
QUESTIONNAIRE Control of Thoughts and Feelings
1a. I must have good control of my feelings in order to be successful in life. 1b. It is unnecessary for me to control my feelings in order to be successful in life. 2a. Anxiety is bad. 2b. Anxiety is neither good nor bad. It is merely an uncomfortable feeling. 3a. Negative thoughts and feelings will harm you if you don’t control or get rid of them. 3b. Negative thoughts and feelings won’t harm you even if they feel unpleasant. 4a. I’m afraid of some of my strong feelings. 4b. I’m not afraid of any feelings, no matter how strong. 5a. In order for me to do something important, I have to get rid of all my doubts. 5b. I can do something important, even when doubts are present. (Location 329)
6a. When negative thoughts and feelings arise, it’s important to reduce or get rid of them as quickly as possible. 6b. Trying to reduce or get rid of negative thoughts and feelings frequently causes problems. If I simply allow them to be, then they will change as a natural part of living. 7a. The best method of managing negative thoughts and feelings is to analyze them; then utilize that knowledge to get rid of them. 7b. The best method of managing negative thoughts and feelings is to acknowledge their presence and let them be, without having to analyze or judge them. (Location 341)
8a. I will become “happy” and “healthy” by improving my ability to avoid, reduce, or get rid of negative thoughts and feelings. 8b. I will become “happy” and “healthy” by allowing negative thoughts and feelings to come and go of their own accord and learning to live effectively when they are present. 9a. If I can’t suppress or get rid of a negative emotional reaction, it’s a sign of personal failure or weakness. 9b. The need to control or get rid of a negative emotional reaction is a problem in itself. 10a. Having negative thoughts and feelings is an… (Location 349)
11a. People who are in control of their lives can generally control how they feel. 11b. People who are in contol of their lives do not need to control their feelings. 12a. It is not okay to feel anxious, and I try hard to avoid it. 12b. I don’t like anxiety, but it’s okay to feel it. 13a. Negative thoughts and feelings are a sign that there is something wrong… (Location 358)
14a. I have to feel good before I can do something that’s important and challenging. 14b. I can do something that’s important and challenging even if I’m feeling anxious or depressed. 15a. I try to suppress thoughts and feelings that I don’t like by just not thinking about them. 15b. I don’t try to suppress thoughts… (Location 366)
To score your test, count the number of times you selected… (Location 372)
The more times you selected option “a,” the greater the likelihood that control issues are creating… (Location 374)
Chapter 2 VICIOUS…
How Does a Solution Become a Problem?
COMMON CONTROL STRATEGIES (Location 419)
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FLIGHT STRATEGIES Hiding/Escaping You hide away or escape from people, places, situations, or activities that tend to give rise to uncomfortable thoughts or feelings. For example, you drop out of a course or cancel a social event in order to avoid feelings of anxiety. Distraction You distract yourself from unwanted thoughts and feelings by focusing on something else. For example, you’re feeling bored or anxious, so you smoke a cigarette or eat some ice cream or go shopping. Or you’re worried about some important issue at work, so you spend all night watching TV to try to keep your mind off it. Zoning Out/Numbing You try to cut off from your thoughts and feelings by “zoning out” or making yourself numb, most commonly through the use of medication, drugs, or alcohol. Some people do their zoning out by sleeping excessively or simply by “staring at the walls.” FIGHT STRATEGIES Suppression You try to directly suppress unwanted thoughts and feelings. You forcefully push unwanted thoughts from your mind, or you push your feelings “deep down inside.” Arguing You argue with your own thoughts. For example, if your mind says, “You’re a failure,” you may argue back, “Oh, no I’m not — just look at everything I’ve achieved in my work.” Alternatively, you may argue against reality, protesting, “It shouldn’t be like this!” Taking Charge You try to take charge of your thoughts and feelings. For example, you may tell yourself things like, “Snap out of it!” “Stay calm!” or “Cheer up!” Or you tr y to force yourself to be happy when you’re not. Self-Bullying You try to bully yourself into feeling differently. You call yourself names like “loser” or “idiot.” Or you criticize and blame yourself: “Don’t be so pathetic! You can handle this. Why are you being such a coward?!” (Location 421)
The Problem with Control
What’s the problem with using methods like these to try to control your thoughts and feelings? The answer is, nothing if: • You use them only in moderation. • You use them only in situations where they can work. • Using them doesn’t stop you from doing the things you value. (Location 443)
However, control methods become problematic when: • You use them excessively. • You use them in situations where they can’t work. • Using them stops you from doing the things you truly value. (Location 452)
Using Control Excessively (Location 456)
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Trying to Use Control in Situations Where It Can’t Work (Location 471)
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When Using Control Stops Us from Doing What We Value (Location 487)
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I’ve never met anyone who didn’t value their health, and yet many people use control strategies that actively damage their physical bodies. (Location 496)
How Much Control Do We Actually Have?
The degree of control we have over our thoughts and feelings depends largely on how intense they are, and what situation we are in — the less intense the feelings and the less stressful the situation, the more control we have. (Location 498)
We also have more control over our thoughts and feelings when the things that we’re avoiding aren’t too important. (Location 505)
What Does Control Have to Do with the Happiness Trap?
The happiness trap is built through ineffective control strategies. In order to feel happy, we try hard to control what we’re feeling. But these control strategies have three significant costs: (Location 516)
1. They take up a lot of time and energy and are usually ineffective in the long run. 2. We feel silly, defective, or weak-minded because the thoughts/feelings we’re trying to get rid of keep coming back. 3. Many strategies that decrease unpleasant feelings in the short term actually lower our quality of life over the long term. (Location 518)
Psychologists have a technical term for this inappropriate or excessive use of control strategies: “experiential avoidance.” Experiential avoidance means the ongoing attempt to avoid, escape from, or get rid of unwanted thoughts, feelings, and memories — even when doing so is harmful, useless, or costly. (Location 523)
Experiential avoidance is a major cause of depression, anxiety, drug and alcohol addiction, eating disorders, and a vast number of other psychological problems. (Location 526)
So here is the happiness trap in a nutshell: to find happiness, we try to avoid or get rid of bad feelings, but the harder we try, the more bad feelings we create. (Location 528)
QUESTIONNAIRE The Costs of Avoidance (Location 532)
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First, complete this sentence: “The thoughts/feelings I’d most like to get rid of are . . .” Next, take a few minutes to write a list of every single thing you’ve tried in order to avoid or get rid of these unpleasant thoughts or feelings. (Location 534)
Once you’ve done that, go through your list and, for each item, ask yourself: 1. Did it get rid of my painful thoughts and feelings in the long term? 2. What did it cost me in terms of time, energy, money, health, relationships, and vitality? 3. Did it bring me closer to a rich, full, and meaningful life? (Location 541)
bear in mind that it’s not just the things you do that matter; it’s also your motivation for doing them. (Location 560)
when your primary motivation is the avoidance of unpleasant thoughts and feelings, this drains the joy and vitality from what you are doing. (Location 563)
it’s hard to enjoy what you’re doing while you’re trying to escape from something threatening. (Location 570)
when you do things because they are truly meaningful to you, because deep in your heart they truly matter to you, those actions would not be classified as control strategies. They would be called “values-guided actions” ... and they would be expected to improve your life in the long term. But if those very same actions are mainly motivated by experiential avoidance — if their primary purpose is to get rid of bad thoughts and feelings — then they would be called control strategies (Location 572)
How Do I Escape the Happiness Trap?
Increasing your self-awareness is the first step. Notice all the little things you do each day to avoid or get rid of unpleasant thoughts and feelings and also notice the consequences. (Location 585)
PART 2 Transforming Your Inner World
Chapter 3 THE SIX CORE PRINCIPLES OF ACT
The greater your psychological flexibility, the better you can handle painful thoughts and feelings and the more effectively you can take action to make your life rich and meaningful. (Location 599)
1. DEFUSION Relating to your thoughts in a new way, so they have much less impact and influence over you. As you learn to defuse painful and unpleasant thoughts, they will lose their ability to frighten, disturb, worry, stress, or depress you. And as you learn to defuse unhelpful thoughts, such as self-limiting beliefs and harsh self-criticisms, they will have much less influence over your behavior. (Location 602)
2. EXPANSION Making room for unpleasant feelings and sensations instead of trying to suppress them or push them away. As you open up and make space for these feelings, you will find they bother you much less, and they “move on” much more rapidly, instead of “hanging around” and disturbing you. (The official ACT term for this principle is “acceptance.” I have changed it because the word “acceptance” has many different meanings and is often misunderstood.) (Location 605)
3. CONNECTION Connecting fully with whatever is happening right here, right now; focusing on and engaging in whatever you’re doing or experiencing. Instead of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, you are deeply connected with the present moment. (The official ACT phrase is “Contact with the Present Moment.” I have changed it purely for brevity.) (Location 610)
4. THE OBSERVING SELF A powerful aspect of the mind, which has been largely ignored by Western psychology until now. As you get to know this part of yourself, you will further transform your relationship with difficult thoughts and feelings. (Location 614)
5. VALUES Clarifying and connecting with your values is an essential step for making life meaningful. Your values are reflections of what is most important in your heart: what sort of person you want to be, what is significant and meaningful to you, and what you want to stand for in this life. Your values provide direction for your life and motivate you to make important changes. (Location 617)
6. COMMITTED ACTION A rich and meaningful life is created through taking action. But not just any action. It happens through effective action, guided by and motivated by your values. And in particular, it happens through committed action: action that you take again and again, no matter how many times you fail or go off track. (Location 620)
Mindfulness Skills
The first four principles above are collectively known as “mindfulness skills.” (Location 624)
Mindfulness is a mental state of awareness, openness, and focus — a state that conveys enormous physical and psychological benefits. (Location 625)
Mindfulness + Values + Action = Psychological Flexibility
As you apply these principles in your life, you will steadily raise your level of psychological flexibility. Psychological flexibility is the ability to adapt to a situation with awareness, openness, and focus and to take effective action, guided by your values. (Location 632)
Chapter 4 THE GREAT STORYTELLER
Words and Thoughts
Words are basically a complex system of symbols. (A “symbol” means anything that stands for or refers to something else.) (Location 662)
Anything that we can sense, feel, think about, observe, imagine, or interact with can be symbolized by words: time, space, life, death, heaven, hell, places that never existed, current events, and so on. If you know what a word refers to, then you know its meaning, and you can understand it. (Location 665)
Images are not thoughts, although they often occur together. (Location 678)
Thoughts = words inside our heads. Images = pictures inside our heads. Sensations = feelings inside our bodies. (Location 682)
In ACT, our main interest in a thought is not whether it’s true or false, but whether it’s helpful; that is, if we pay attention to this thought, will it help us create the life we want? (Location 691)
The Story Is Not the Event
All too often we react to our thoughts as if they are the absolute truth or as if we must give them all our attention. The psychological jargon for this reaction is “fusion.” (Location 705)
What Is Fusion?
In ACT, we use the term “fusion” to mean that a thought and the thing it refers to — the story and the event — become stuck together, as one. (Location 709)
In a state of fusion, it seems as if: • Thoughts are reality — what we’re thinking is actually happening, here and now. • Thoughts are the truth — we completely believe them. • Thoughts are important — we take them seriously and give them our full attention. • Thoughts are orders — we automatically obey them. • Thoughts are wise — we assume they know best, and we follow their advice. • Thoughts can be threats — some thoughts can be deeply disturbing or frightening, and we feel the need to get rid of them. (Location 713)
“I’M HAVING THE THOUGHT THAT . . .”
You can use this technique with any unpleasant thought. For instance, if your mind says, “Life sucks!” then simply acknowledge, “I’m having the thought that life sucks!” If your mind says, “I’ll fail!” then simply acknowledge, “I’m having the thought that I’ll fail!” Using this phrase means you’re less likely to get beaten up or pushed around by your thoughts. Instead, you can step back and see those thoughts for what they are: nothing more than words passing through your head. (Location 743)
We call this process “defusion.” In a state of fusion thoughts seem to be the absolute truth and very important. But in a state of defusion, we recognize that: • Thoughts are merely sounds, words, stories, or bits of language. • Thoughts may or may not be true; we don’t automatically believe them. • Thoughts may or may not be important; we pay attention only if they’re helpful. • Thoughts are definitely not orders; we certainly don’t have to obey them. • Thoughts may or may not be wise; we don’t automatically follow their advice. • Thoughts are never threats; even the most painful or disturbing of thoughts does not represent a threat to us. (Location 746)
the aim of defusion is not to get rid of a thought, but simply to see it for what it is — just a string of words — and to let it be there without fighting it. (Location 758)
MUSICAL THOUGHTS
By taking the thought and putting it to music, you have realized that it is just made up of words, like the lyrics of a song. (Location 775)
The Mind Is a Great Storyteller
The mind loves telling stories; in fact, it never stops. All day, every day, it tells you stories about what you should be doing with your life, what other people think of you, what will happen in the future, what went wrong in the past, and so on. It’s like a radio that never stops broadcasting. (Location 777)
Negative stories are not seen as a problem in their own right. It’s only when we “fuse” with them, when we react as if they were the truth and give them our full attention, that they become problematic. (Location 789)
In ACT we don’t try to avoid or get rid of the story. We know how ineffective that is. Instead we simply acknowledge: “This is a story.” (Location 797)
NAMING YOUR STORIES
Identify your mind’s favorite stories, then give them names, such as the “loser!” story, or the “my life sucks!” story, or the “I can’t do it!” story. (Location 800)
When your stories show up, acknowledge them by name. (Location 803)
Once you’ve acknowledged a story, that’s it — just let it be. You don’t have to challenge it or push it away, nor do you have to give it much attention. Simply let it come and go as it pleases, while you channel your energy into doing something you value. (Location 805)
Use these techniques regularly with distressing thoughts, at least ten times a day when starting. (Location 817)
Chapter 5 TRUE BLUES
In ACT, whether a thought is true or not is not that important. Far more important is whether it’s helpful. Truthful or not, thoughts are nothing more than words. If they’re helpful words, then it’s worth paying attention to them. If they’re not helpful, then why bother? (Location 827)
You can waste a lot of time trying to decide whether your thoughts are actually true; again and again your mind will try to suck you into that debate. But although at times this is important, most of the time it is irrelevant and wastes a lot of energy. The more useful approach is to ask, “Is this thought helpful? Does it help me take action to create the life I want?” If it’s helpful, pay attention. If it’s not, defuse it. (Location 835)
when troublesome thoughts pop into your head, it may be useful to ask yourself one or more of the following questions: • Is this an old thought? Have I heard this one before? Do I gain anything useful from listening to it again? • Does this thought help me take effective action to improve my life? • What would I get for buying into this thought? (Location 845)
how can you tell whether a thought is helpful or not? If you’re not sure, you can ask yourself: • Does it help me to be the person I want to be? • Does it help me to build the sort of relationships I’d like? • Does it help me to connect with what I truly value? • Does it help me, in the long term, to create a rich, full, and meaningful life? (Location 850)
Thoughts Are Just Stories
We all have beliefs, but the more tightly we hold on to them, the more inflexible we become in our attitudes and behaviors. (Location 860)
by all means, have your beliefs — but hold them lightly. Keep in mind that all beliefs are stories, whether or not they’re “true.” (Location 867)
if a thought helps you to create a rich, full, and meaningful life, then use it. Pay attention to it, and use it for guidance and motivation — and at the same time remember that it is still just a story; a bit of human language. So use it, but don’t clutch it too tightly. (Location 868)
The fact is, we don’t choose most of the thoughts in our head. We do choose a small number of them, when we’re actively planning or mentally rehearsing or being creative, but most of the thoughts in our head just “show up” of their own accord. (Location 889)
Basically, the more tuned in you are to your direct experience of life (rather than to your mind’s running commentary), the more empowered you are to take your life in the direction you truly want. (Location 897)
The Stories Never Stop
THANKING YOUR MIND
When your mind starts coming up with those same old stories, simply thank it. You could say to yourself (silently) things such as, “Thank you, Mind! How very informative!” or “Thanks for sharing!” or “Is that right? How fascinating!” or simply, “Thanks, Mind!” (Location 917)
Do it with warmth and humor and with a genuine appreciation for the amazing storytelling ability of your mind. (You could also combine this technique with Naming the Story: “Ah yes, the ‘I’m a failure’ story. Thanks so much, Mind!”) (Location 920)
THE SILLY VOICES TECHNIQUE
By taking that segment of language and hearing it in a different voice, you become aware that it is nothing more than a string of words — and thus, it loses its impact. (Location 940)
Defusion is aimed at freeing ourselves from the oppression of our thoughts; freeing up our time, energy, and attention so we can invest them in meaningful activities rather than dwelling uselessly on our thoughts. (Location 964)
The aim of defusion is not to get rid of unpleasant thoughts, but rather to see them for what they are — just words — and to let go of struggling with them. At times they will go away quickly, and at times they won’t. If you start expecting them to go, you are setting yourself up for disappointment or frustration. (Location 973)
Don’t expect these techniques to make you feel good. Often when you defuse a troublesome thought, you will feel better. But this is just a beneficial by-product, not the main goal. The main goal of defusion is to disentangle you from unhelpful thought processes, so you can focus your attention on more important things. So when defusion does make you feel better, by all means enjoy it. But don’t expect it to. And don’t start using it to try to control how you feel; otherwise, you’re stuck right back in the happiness trap. (Location 976)
Remember that no technique is foolproof. There may be times when you try them and defusion doesn’t happen. If so, simply observe what it’s like to be fused with your thoughts. Merely learning to tell the difference between fusion and defusion is useful in its own right. (Location 983)
Chapter 6 TROUBLESHOOTING DEFUSION
a control strategy is any attempt to change, avoid, or get rid of unwanted thoughts and feelings. (Location 1005)
Defusion is the very opposite of a control strategy; it’s an acceptance strategy. (Location 1007)
The True Meaning of Acceptance
Acceptance does not mean putting up with or resigning yourself to anything. Acceptance is about embracing life, not merely tolerating it. (Location 1035)
Develop the courage to solve those problems that can be solved, the serenity to accept those problems that can’t be solved, and the wisdom to know the difference. (Location 1056)
How to Use Defusion
defusion isn’t about getting rid of thoughts. It’s about seeing them for what they really are and making peace with them; allowing them to be there without fighting them. (Location 1066)
So if you do find yourself struggling with a negative thought, just notice it. Pretend that you’re a curious scientist observing your own mind; notice the different ways in which you struggle. Do you judge your thoughts as good or bad, true or false, positive or negative? Do you try to push them away or replace them with “better” ones? Do you enter into a debate with them? Observe your struggle with interest and notice what it accomplishes. (Location 1075)
anything that applies to negative thoughts also applies to neutral and positive thoughts. The bottom line is not whether a thought is positive or negative, true or false, pleasant or unpleasant, optimistic or pessimistic, but whether it helps you create a fulfilling life. (Location 1088)
fusion is not the enemy; it’s only a problem when it stops you living your life fully. (Location 1095)
Thoughts are merely words, symbols, or bits of language, so why declare war on them? (Location 1098)
Chapter 7 LOOK WHO’S TALKING (Location 1110)
The thinking self is the part of you that thinks, plans, judges, compares, creates, imagines, visualizes, analyzes, remembers, daydreams, and fantasizes. A more common name for it is the “mind.” (Location 1114)
Popular psychological approaches such as positive thinking, cognitive therapy, creative visualization, hypnosis, and neuro-linguistic programming all focus on controlling the way your thinking self operates. (Location 1116)
The observing self is aware, but does not think; it is the part of you that is responsible for focus, attention, and awareness. While it can observe or pay attention to your thoughts, it can’t produce them. Whereas the thinking self thinks about your experience, the observing self registers your experience directly. (Location 1120)
For example, if you are playing tennis and you are truly focused, then all your attention is riveted on that ball coming toward you. This is your observing self at work. You are not thinking about the ball; you are observing it. Now, suppose thoughts start popping into your head like, “I hope my grip is correct,” “I’d better make this a good hit,” or “Wow, that ball is moving fast!” That is your thinking self at work. (Location 1123)
THINKING VERSUS OBSERVING
Once we know that thoughts are just bits of language, we can treat them like background noise — we can let them come and go without focusing on them and without being bothered by them. (Location 1164)
here’s what we’re aiming for with all these defusion skills: • If the thinking self is broadcasting something unhelpful, the observing self need not pay it much attention. The observing self can simply acknowledge the thought, then turn its attention to what you are doing here and now. • If the thinking self is broadcasting something useful or helpful, then the observing self can tune in and pay attention. (Location 1168)
Realistic Expectations
Chapter 8 SCARY PICTURES
Thought suppression means actively pushing distressing thoughts or images out of your head. For example, each time an unwanted thought or image appears, you might say to yourself, “No, don’t think about it!” or “Stop it!” or you might just mentally shove it away. Research shows that although this method often gets rid of distressing thoughts or images in the short term, after a while there is a rebound effect: the negative thoughts return in greater numbers and intensity than before. (Location 1246)
the ultimate aim is to be able to let these images come and go without giving them much attention — like having the television on in the background, without really watching it. (Location 1263)
Defusion techniques help us to see these images for what they are: nothing more than colorful pictures. Once we recognize this, we can let them be there without fighting them, without judging them, and without trying to avoid them. In other words, we can accept them. Acceptance means we no longer have to fear them, or waste our precious energy on struggling with them. (Location 1264)
Defusing Unpleasant Images
TELEVISION SCREEN (Location 1279)
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Bring an unpleasant image to mind and notice how it’s affecting you. Now imagine there’s a small television screen across the room from you. Place your image on the television screen. Play around with the image: flip it upside down, turn it on its side, spin it around and around, stre-e-e-etch it sideways. If it’s a moving “video clip,” play it in slow motion. Then play it backward in slow motion. Then play it forward at double speed. Then reverse it at double speed. Turn the color down, so it’s all in black-and-white. Turn the color and brightness up until it’s ridiculously lurid (so the people have bright orange skin and the clouds are hot pink). The idea is not to get rid of this image but to see it for what it is: a harmless picture. You may need to do this for anything from ten seconds to two minutes, until you really defuse it. If at the end of two minutes it’s still bothering you, then try the next technique. (Location 1280)
SUBTITLES (Location 1287)
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Keeping that image on the television screen, add a subtitle. For example, an image of you failing might be subtitled: “The Failure Story.” Better still, make it a humorous subtitle, like “D’oh! Done it again!” If it’s still bothering you at the end of another thirty seconds, try the next technique. (Location 1288)
MUSICAL SOUNDTRACK (Location 1291)
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Keeping that image on the television screen, add a musical soundtrack of your choice. Experiment with a few different soundtracks: jazz, hip-hop, classical, rock, or your favorite movie themes. (Location 1291)
SHIFTING LOCATIONS (Location 1294)
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Visualize this image in a variety of different locations, staying with each scenario for twenty seconds before shifting to a new one. For example, visualize your image on the T-shirt of a jogger or a rock star. Visualize it painted on a banner, flying behind an airplane. Visualize it as a bumper sticker, as a magazine photo, or as a tattoo on someone’s back. Visualize it as a “pop-up” on a computer screen or as a poster in a teenager’s bedroom. Visualize it as the image on a postage stamp or as a drawing in a comic book. Use your imagination with this; the sky’s the limit. (Location 1294)
If you’re still fused with the image after all this — that is, if it’s still upsetting you, frightening you, or taking up all your attention whenever it appears — then I would suggest you practice running through some or all of the above exercises every single day for at least five minutes. (Location 1299)
For less troublesome images, you can easily adapt other defusion techniques. Instead of “I’m having the thought that . . .” you can acknowledge, “I’m having the image of . . .” (Location 1305)
If the image is a memory, you could try, “I’m having the memory of . . .” You could even try, “My mind’s showing me a picture of . . .” Instead of Naming the Story, you can Name the Picture or Name the Memory. And you can always say, “Thanks, Mind!” for whatever it shows you. (Location 1307)
If you start defusing thoughts or images with the aim of getting rid of them, then you’re not truly accepting them. Rather, you’re trying to use an acceptance strategy as a control strategy — and ultimately, that will backfire. (Location 1320)
Chapter 9 DEMONS ON THE BOAT
one of our ancestors decided to explore a new area, his mind would go into a state of red alert. “Look out!” “Be careful!” “Could be a crocodile in that lake!” And thanks to evolution, our modern minds do the same, only far more extensively. (Location 1350)
as soon as we start to do something new, our mind will start warning us: “You might fail,” “You might make a mistake,” “You might get rejected.” It warns us with negative thoughts, disturbing images, bad memories, and a wide range of uncomfortable feelings and sensations. And all too often we let these warnings stop us from taking our lives in the direction we really want. (Location 1352)
Some people call this “staying in your comfort zone,” but that’s not a good name for it because the comfort zone is definitely not comfortable. It should be called the “misery zone” or the “missing-out-on-life zone.” (Location 1355)
Chapter 10 HOW DO YOU FEEL?
Scientists have a hard time reaching any kind of consensus on what emotions actually are, but most experts agree on three things: 1. Emotions originate from the middle layer of the brain, known as the “midbrain.” 2. At the core of any emotion is a complex series of physical changes throughout the body. 3. These physical changes prepare us to take action. (Location 1394)
Physical changes in the body may include alterations in heart rate, blood pressure, muscle tone, circulation, and hormone levels, as well as the activation of different parts of the nervous system. We notice these changes as sensations, ... We also notice them as urges to act in a particular way, such as to cry, laugh, or hide. (Location 1399)
The likelihood that we will act in a particular way when experiencing a particular emotion is known as an “action tendency.” But notice the key word here: tendency. A tendency means we have the inclination to do something; it doesn’t mean we have to do it, that we have no choice. It just means we tend to act that way. (Location 1403)
Do Our Emotions Control Our Behavior?
Our emotions definitely do not control our behavior. (Location 1419)
The idea that emotions control your actions is a very powerful illusion. Psychologist Hank Robb compares this illusion to that of a sunset. When we watch a sunset, the sun appears to be sinking below the horizon. But in fact, the sun is not moving at all. It’s the earth that’s rotating away from it. And even though we’ve all learned this at school, it’s so easy to forget. When you’re watching that sun “sink below the horizon,” it’s almost impossible to believe that it’s really stationary. (Location 1439)
When we’re feeling strong emotions, we may do all sorts of things we later regret. We may smash things, shout, abuse people, drink excessively, or engage in any number of destructive behaviors. And it seems as if the emotion were causing us to do this. But actually, it’s not. We’re only acting this way because we’ve developed bad habits. But if we consciously bring our awareness to how we are feeling and consciously observe how we’re behaving, then no matter how intense our emotions are, we can still control our actions. Even (Location 1443)
Emotions Are Like the Weather
Emotions are like the weather — they’re always present and constantly changing. They continually ebb and flow, from mild to intense, pleasant to unpleasant, predictable to utterly unexpected. A “mood” refers to the general tone of emotion across a period of time. A “feeling” refers to a discrete episode of emotion with distinctive, recognizable characteristics. Thus a “bad mood” is like an overcast day, but a feeling of anger or anxiety is like thunder or a shower of rain. (Location 1454)
We’re always experiencing emotion of some sort (just as there is always weather of some sort). However, sometimes it isn’t strong or distinct enough for us to describe it easily. (Location 1458)
The Three Phases of Emotion
PHASE ONE: A SIGNIFICANT EVENT (Location 1463)
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An emotion is triggered by some sort of significant event. This event may happen inside you (a distressing memory, a painful sensation, or a disturbing thought) or it may happen in the world around you (something you see, hear, smell, taste, or touch). Your brain notices this event and alerts you that it’s important. (Location 1463)
PHASE TWO: GETTING READY FOR ACTION (Location 1466)
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The brain starts to evaluate this event: “Is it good or bad? Beneficial or harmful?” At the same time, the brain starts to arouse the body for action: either to approach or to avoid the event. (Location 1467)
PHASE THREE: THE MIND GETS INVOLVED (Location 1472)
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In the third phase, as our body gets ready for action, we experience a variety of sensations and impulses, and our mind starts attaching meaning to those changes. At this point, we can recognize distinctive emotions such as frustration, joy, or sadness. (Location 1472)
The Fight-or-Flight Response
In prehistoric times, this response was life saving. When a woolly mammoth charged you, if you couldn’t escape, your only hope was to fight it. However, in this modern age, most of us rarely find ourselves in life-threatening predicaments, and the fight-or-flight response is often triggered in situations where it is of little or no use to us. (Location 1480)
Our mind, trying to make sure we don’t get killed, sees potential danger almost everywhere: in a moody spouse, a controlling boss, a parking ticket, a new job, a traffic jam, a long line at the bank, a big mortgage, an unflattering reflection in the mirror — you name it. The threat may even come from the mind itself in the form of a disturbing thought or image. Obviously, none of these things are actually life-threatening, but our brain and body react as if they were. (Location 1483)
If our brain judges an event as harmful, the fight-or-flight response is triggered, and it rapidly evolves into an unpleasant feeling such as fear, anger, shock, disgust, or guilt. If our brain judges the event as good or beneficial, we rapidly develop a pleasant feeling such as calm, curiosity, or happiness. The former feelings, we tend to describe as “negative.” The latter feelings, we tend to describe as “positive.” But actually, they’re neither positive nor negative — they’re all simply feelings. (Location 1486)
Chapter 11 THE STRUGGLE SWITCH
imagine that at the back of your mind is a switch — we’ll call it the “struggle switch.” When it’s switched on, it means we’re going to struggle against any physical or emotional pain that comes our way; whatever discomfort we experience, we’ll see it as a problem and try hard to get rid of it or avoid it. (Location 1501)
Suppose the emotion that shows up is anxiety. If our struggle switch is ON, then that feeling is completely unacceptable. So we could end up with anger about our anxiety: “How dare they make me feel like this!” Or anxiety about our anxiety: “This can’t be good for me. I wonder what it’s doing to my body.” Or guilt about our anxiety: “I shouldn’t let myself get so worked up! I’m acting like a child.” Or maybe even a mixture of all these feelings at once. What all these secondary emotions have in common is that they are unpleasant, unhelpful, and a drain on our energy and vitality. And then we may get angry or anxious or depressed about that! Spot the vicious cycle? (Location 1503)
Now imagine what happens if our struggle switch is OFF. In this case, whatever emotion shows up, no matter how unpleasant, we don’t struggle with it. (Location 1509)
With the struggle switch OFF, our anxiety levels are free to rise and fall as the situation dictates. (Location 1511)
Without struggle, what we get is a natural level of physical and emotional discomfort, depending on who we are and the situation we’re in. In ACT, we call this “clean discomfort.” There’s no avoiding “clean discomfort”; life serves it up to all of us in one way or another. But once we start struggling with it, our discomfort levels increase rapidly. And all that additional suffering we call “dirty discomfort.” (Location 1513)
Our struggle switch is like an emotional amplifier — switch it ON, and we can have anger about our anxiety, anxiety about our anger, depression about our depression, or guilt about our guilt. (Location 1517)
With our struggle switch ON, we are completely unwilling to accept the presence of these uncomfortable feelings, which means not only do we get distressed by them, we also do whatever we can to avoid or get rid of them. For some people, this means turning to drugs, alcohol, gambling, or food. Others may turn to TV, books, or computer games. (Location 1519)
With the struggle switch OFF: • Our emotions are free to move. • We don’t waste time and energy fighting or avoiding them. • We don’t generate all that “dirty discomfort.” (Location 1526)
With the struggle switch ON: • Our emotions are stuck. • We waste a huge amount of time and energy struggling with them. • We create a lot of painful and unhelpful “dirty discomfort.” (Location 1530)
Chapter 12 HOW THE STRUGGLE SWITCH DEVELOPED
What Was Your Childhood Programming?
Please take some time to write down answers (or at least think about them) to the following questions. As you were growing up: • Which emotions were you told were desirable or undesirable? • What were you told about the best way to handle your emotions? • What emotions did your family freely express? • What emotions did your family suppress or frown on? • How did the adults in your family handle their own “negative” emotions? • What emotional control strategies did they use? • How did the adults in your family react to your “negative” emotions? • As a result of all this programming, what ideas are you still carrying around today about your emotions and how to handle them? (Location 1583)
Judging Our Emotions
One reason we tend to judge emotions as “bad” or “negative” is because they feel unpleasant; they create uncomfortable sensations in our bodies. (Location 1594)
judging sets you up for a struggle with your feelings. In ACT we encourage you to let go of judging your feelings altogether and to see them for what they are: a stream of constantly changing sensations and urges, continuously passing through your body. (Location 1598)
no emotion is in itself “bad.” “Bad” is just a thought; a judgment made by our thinking self. But if we fuse with that thought — if we literally believe that the feeling is “bad” — then, naturally, we will struggle with it all the harder. (Location 1604)
One useful strategy for judgments is simply to label them. Each time you notice a judgment, you silently say to yourself, “Judging.” Acknowledge its presence, recognize that it’s only words, and let it be. The aim here is to let go of judgments; not to stop them. Your thinking self is an expert judge and will never stop judging for long. But you can learn to let go of those judgments, more and more, instead of getting caught up in them. (Location 1609)
How the Mind Adds to Our Emotional Discomfort
“WHY AM I FEELING LIKE THIS?” (Location 1618)
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This question sets you up to run through all your problems one by one, to see if you can pinpoint what caused your feelings. Naturally, this just makes you feel worse, because it creates the illusion that your life is nothing but problems. It also leads to a lot of time lost in unpleasant thoughts. (Location 1619)
People generally ask this question because they think if they can figure out why they’re feeling so “bad,” they’ll be able to figure out a way to feel better. Unfortunately, this strategy almost always backfires, as above. And more to the point, in most cases it doesn’t really matter that much exactly why these unpleasant feelings arose; what matters is how you respond to them. The basic fact is always this: what you are feeling is what you are feeling! So if you can learn how to accept your feelings without having to analyze them, you’ll save yourself a lot of time and effort. (Location 1622)
“WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?” (Location 1627)
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This question sets you up for self-blame. You rehash all the “bad” things you’ve done, so you can figure out why the universe decided to punish you. As a result, you end up feeling worthless, useless, bad, or inadequate. (Location 1628)
“WHY AM I LIKE THIS?” (Location 1631)
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This question leads you to search through your entire life history looking for the reasons why you are the way you are. Frequently this leads to feelings of anger, resentment, and hopelessness. And it very often ends in blaming your parents. (Location 1632)
“I CAN’T HANDLE IT!” (Location 1634)
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Variations on this theme include “I can’t stand it,” “I can’t cope,” “I’m going to have a nervous breakdown,” and so on. Your mind is basically feeding you the story that you’re too weak to handle this, and something bad is going to happen if you keep feeling this way. (Location 1635)
“I SHOULDN’T FEEL LIKE THIS.” (Location 1638)
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This is a classic. Here your mind picks an argument with reality. The reality is this: the way you are feeling right now is the way you are feeling. But your mind says, “Reality is wrong! It’s not supposed to be this way! Stop it! Give me the reality I want!” This kind of argument with reality never ends in your favor. (Location 1639)
“I WISH I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE THIS!” (Location 1642)
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Wishful thinking: one of the mind’s favorite pastimes. (“I wish I felt more confident.” “I wish I didn’t feel so anxious.”) This can keep us wrapped up in second-guessing ourselves for hours, imagining how our lives could be so much better if only we felt differently. (Location 1643)
Suffice to say, the thinking self has lots of ways either to directly intensify our bad feelings or else to get us to waste a huge amount of time uselessly brooding on them. So from now on, catch your mind in the act when it tries to hook you with these questions and comments. Then simply refuse to play the game. Thank your mind for trying to waste your time and focus instead on some useful or meaningful activity. You may find it helpful to say, “Thanks, Mind, but I’m not playing today.” (Location 1646)
The Struggle Switch Revisited
when you respond to your emotions with acceptance, they don’t become chronic, and therefore they don’t hurt you. Acceptance breaks the vicious cycle of struggle and frees you to invest your time and energy in life-enhancing activities. (Location 1672)