You cannot, nor should you ever try to, change your partner. That is his or her job. Your job is to change the ways you communicate, react, and respond to your partner. (Location 161)
even the “big problems,” can be solved and resolved. By first addressing the small problems, the bigger problems sometimes just vanish or are easily resolved. (Location 192)
When we expect our partners to be more like us, we are automatically giving them the message that they are not good enough the way they are. (Location 224)
We too easily blame our problems on our partners rather than our own approach. (Location 237)
The differences I focus on between men and women are primarily caused by brain and hormonal differences. (Location 252)
Gender differences show up the most after getting involved in an intimate relationship, having children together, or when we are under a lot of stress. (Location 254)
Men often complain, She is over-reacting and women complain, He doesn’t listen! (Location 271)
When you remember that your partner is as different from you as someone from another planet, you can relax and cooperate with the differences instead of resisting or trying to change them. (Location 376)
Without the awareness that we are supposed to be different, men and women are at odds with each other. We usually become angry or frustrated with the opposite sex because we have forgotten this important truth. (Location 433)
We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways—the ways we react and behave when we love someone. (Location 439)
When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom. (Location 505)
Mr. Fix-It and the Home-Improvement Committee
The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that men don’t listen. Either a man completely ignores her when she speaks to him, or he listens for a few beats, assesses what is bothering her, and then proudly puts on his Mr. Fix-It cap and offers her a solution to make her feel better. (Location 512)
The most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that women are always trying to change them. When a woman loves a man she feels responsible to assist him in growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things. She forms a home-improvement committee, and he becomes her primary focus. No matter how much he resists her help, she persists—waiting for any opportunity to help him or tell him what to do. She thinks she’s nurturing him, while he feels he’s being controlled. Instead, he wants her acceptance. (Location 517)
A man’s sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results. (Location 527)
To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own. (Location 544)
A woman’s sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships. (Location 564)
Many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems. (Location 626)
To summarize the two most common mistakes we make in relationships: 1. A man tries to change a woman’s feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix-It and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings. 2. A woman tries to change a man’s behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the home-improvement committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism. (Location 657)
A man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself. (Location 731)
3 Men Go to Their Caves and Women Talk
A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood. (Location 849)
To feel better, women talk about past problems, future problems, potential problems, even problems that have no solutions. The more talk and exploration, the better they feel. This is the way women operate. To expect otherwise is to deny a woman her sense of self. (Location 854)
To forget her own painful feelings a woman may become emotionally involved in the problems of others. (Location 865)
Martians talk about problems for only two reasons: they are blaming someone or they are seeking advice. If a woman is really upset a man assumes she is blaming him. If she seems less upset, then he assumes she is asking for advice. (Location 871)
Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems. (Location 900)
4 How to Motivate the Opposite Sex
Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed…. Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished. (Location 954)
Given the opportunity to prove his potential, a man expresses his best self. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress back to his old selfish ways. (Location 1000)
Most men are not only hungry to give love but are starving for it. Their biggest problem is that they do not know what they are missing. They rarely saw their fathers succeed in fulfilling their mothers through giving. As a result they do not know that a major source of fulfillment for a man can come through giving. (Location 1006)
Not to be needed is a slow death for a man. (Location 1014)
A woman’s tendency to be compulsive relaxes as she remembers that she is worthy of love—she doesn’t have to earn it; she can relax, give less, and receive more. She deserves it. (Location 1037)
Ironically, men are primarily motivated by being needed, but are turned off by neediness. (Location 1118)
“Needing” is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one that assumes that he will do his best. This empowers him. “Neediness,” however, is desperately needing support because you don’t trust you will get it. It pushes men away and makes them feel rejected and unappreciated. (Location 1121)
A man’s deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent. (Location 1165)
Just as women are afraid of receiving, men are afraid of giving. (Location 1172)
Just as women are sensitive to feeling rejected when they don’t get the attention they need, men are sensitive to feeling that they have failed when a woman talks about problems. This is why it is so hard for him to listen sometimes. He wants to be her hero. When she is disappointed or unhappy over anything, he feels like a failure. Her unhappiness confirms his deepest fear: he is just not good enough. (Location 1190)
5 Speaking Different Languages
To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license to use various superlatives, metaphors, and generalizations. (Location 1228)
One of the big challenges for men is correctly to interpret and support a woman when she is talking about her feelings. The biggest challenge for women is correctly to interpret and support a man when he isn’t talking. Silence is most easily misinterpreted by women. (Location 1350)
When a man is silent it is easy for a woman to imagine the worst. (Location 1375)
These are four common reasons that women talk: 1. To convey or gather information. (This is generally the only reason a man talks.) 2. To explore and discover what it is she wants to say.(He stops talking to figure out inside what he wants to say. She talks to think out loud.) 3. To feel better and more centered when she is upset.(He stops talking when he is upset. In his cave he has a chance to cool off.) 4. To create intimacy. Through sharing her inner feelings she is able to know her loving self. (A Martian stops talking to find himself again. Too much intimacy, he fears, will rob him of himself.) (Location 1404)
A woman should not be judged for needing this reassurance, just as a man should not be judged for needing to withdraw. (Location 1643)
6 Men Are Like Rubber Bands
When a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer. (Location 1745)
A man pulls away to fulfill his need for independence or autonomy. When he has fully stretched away, then instantly he will come springing back. (Location 1752)
Maggie realized that when she was trying to get close while Jeff was trying to pull away, she was actually preventing him from stretching his full distance and then springing back. By running after him, she was preventing him from ever feeling that he needed her and wanted to be with her. (Location 1769)
If a man does not have the opportunity to pull away, he never gets a chance to feel his strong desire to be close. It is essential for women to understand that if they insist on continuous intimacy or “run after” their intimate male partner when he pulls away, then he will almost always be trying to escape and distance himself; he will never get a chance to feel his own passionate longing for love. (Location 1773)
When a man springs back, before a woman can open up again to him she generally wants and needs time and conversation to reconnect. (Location 1785)
A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and autonomy. (Location 1794)
To a certain extent a man loses himself through connecting with his partner. (Location 1829)
A man needs to feel accepted just the way he is, and then he will gradually open up. He does not feel accepted when she wants him to talk more or resents him for pulling away. (Location 1879)
When a man gets too close and doesn’t pull away, common symptoms are increased moodiness, irritability, passiveness, and defensiveness. (Location 1944)
7 Women Are Like Waves
A woman’s self-esteem rises and falls like a wave. When she hits bottom it is a time for emotional housecleaning. (Location 2050)
In relationships, men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others. (Location 2063)
A man assumes that her sudden change of mood is based solely on his behavior. When she is happy he takes credit, but when she is unhappy he also feels responsible. He may feel extremely frustrated because he doesn’t know how to make things better. One minute she seems happy, and so he believes he is doing a good job and then the next minute she is unhappy. He is shocked because he thought he was doing so well. (Location 2065)
When a woman moves into her well, he needs to learn that this is when she needs him the most, and it is not a problem to be solved or fixed, but an opportunity to support her with unconditional love. (Location 2073)
The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn’t be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even if a man can’t fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention, and support. (Location 2082)
when a woman goes into her well, if she feels supported she doesn’t necessarily feel better right away. She may feel worse. But that is a sign that his support may be helping. His support may actually help her to hit bottom sooner, and then she can and will feel better. To genuinely come up she first needs to hit bottom. That is the cycle. (Location 2092)
Even when a man is succeeding in supporting a woman she may become even more upset. (Location 2099)
When negative feelings are suppressed positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies. (Location 2176)
One study revealed that a woman’s self-esteem generally rises and falls in a cycle between twenty-one and thirty-five days. No studies have been done on how often a man pulls back like a rubber band, but my experience is that it is about the same. A woman’s self-esteem cycle is not necessarily in sync with her menstrual cycle, but it does average out at twenty-eight days. (Location 2189)
A wise man learns to go out of his way to help a woman feel safe to rise and fall. He releases his judgments and demands and learns how to give the required support. As a result he enjoys a relationship that increases in love and passion over the years. He may have to weather a few emotional storms or droughts, but the reward is much greater. The uninitiated man still suffers from storms and droughts, but because he does not know the art of loving her through her time in the well, their love stops growing and gradually becomes repressed. (Location 2197)
Men argue for the right to be free while women argue for the right to be upset. Men want space while women want understanding. (Location 2242)
By supporting her need to be heard she could support his need to be free. (Location 2259)
When a man can’t listen to a woman’s hurt feelings because he needs to pull away, he can say “I understand you feel hurt and I need some time to think about it. Let’s take a time-out.” For a man to excuse himself in this way and stop listening is much better than trying to explain away her hurt. (Location 2290)
If a woman is not supported in being unhappy sometimes then she can never truly be happy. To be genuinely happy requires dipping down into the well to release, heal, and purify the emotions. This is a natural and healthy process. (Location 2338)
8 Discovering Our Different Emotional Needs
THE TWELVE KINDS OF LOVE
Most of our complex emotional needs can be summarized as the need for love. Men and women each have six unique love needs that are all equally important. Men primarily need trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement. Women primarily need caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance. The enormous task of figuring out what our partner needs is simplified greatly through understanding these twelve different kinds of love. (Location 2368)
Certainly every man and woman ultimately needs all twelve kinds of love. To acknowledge the six kinds of love primarily needed by women does not imply that men do not need these kinds of love. Men also need caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance. What is meant by “primary need” is that fulfilling a primary need is required before one is able fully to receive and appreciate the other kinds of love. (Location 2382)
1. She Needs Caring and He Needs Trust
When a man shows interest in a woman’s feelings and heartfelt concern for her well-being, she feels loved and cared for. When he makes her feel special in this caring way, he succeeds in fulfilling her first primary need. Naturally she begins to trust him more. (Location 2402)
2. She Needs Understanding and He Needs Acceptance
3. She Needs Respect and He Needs Appreciation
4. She Needs Devotion and He Needs Admiration
5. She Needs Validation and He Needs Approval
6. She Needs Reassurance and He Needs Encouragement
The secret of empowering a man is never to try to change him or improve him. (Location 2584)
When a man does not feel loved just the way he is, he will either consciously or unconsciously repeat the behavior that is not being accepted. He feels an inner compulsion to repeat the behavior until he feels loved and accepted. For a man to improve himself he needs to feel loved in an accepting way. Otherwise he defends himself and stays the same. He needs to feel accepted just the way he is, and then he, on his own, will look for ways to improve. (Location 2603)
The best way to help a man grow is to let go of trying to change him in any way. (Location 2613)
9 How to Avoid Arguments (Location 2641)
As a basic guideline: never argue. Instead discuss the pros and cons of something. Negotiate for what you want but don’t argue. It is possible to be honest, open, and even express negative feelings without arguing or fighting. (Location 2654)
Most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing. (Location 2672)
A man unknowingly hurts his partner by speaking in an uncaring manner and then goes on to explain why she should not be upset. He mistakenly assumes she is resisting the content of his point of view, when really his unloving delivery is what upsets her. Because he does not understand her reaction, he focuses more on explaining the merit of what he is saying instead of correcting the way he is saying it. (Location 2683)
Men rarely say “I’m sorry” because on Mars it means you have done something wrong and you are apologizing. (Location 2845)
Most arguments escalate when a man begins to invalidate a woman’s feelings and she responds to him disapprovingly. (Location 2855)
The most common way men start arguments is by invalidating a woman’s feelings or point of view. (Location 2860)
The most common way women unknowingly start arguments is by not being direct when they share their feelings. Instead of directly expressing her dislike or disappointment, a woman asks rhetorical questions and unknowingly (or knowingly) communicates a message of disapproval. (Location 2877)
Most men are too ashamed to admit how much they need approval. They may go to great lengths to prove they don’t care. But why do they immediately become cold, distant, and defensive when they lose a woman’s approval? Because not getting what they need hurts. (Location 2901)
Men are most prone to argue when they have made a mistake or upset the woman they love. If he disappoints her, he wants to explain to her why she should not be so upset. He thinks his reasons will help her to feel better. What he doesn’t know is that if she is upset, what she needs most is to be heard and validated. (Location 2928)
10 Scoring Points with the Opposite Sex
When a woman keeps score, no matter how big or small a gift of love is, it scores one point; each gift has equal value. (Location 3088)
Doing many little things (and scoring many points) is the secret for filling a woman’s love tank. A woman feels loved when her love tank is full. (Location 3130)
Most men strive for greater and greater success because they believe it will make them worthy of love. (Location 3261)
Certainly a man also requires equal participation from a woman in doing the domestic duties of day-to-day life, but if he is not appreciated, then her contribution is nearly meaningless and completely unimportant to him. (Location 3406)
11 How to Communicate Difficult Feelings
Whether you share the feelings in your letter or you just write a letter to feel better, writing down your feelings is an essential tool. (Location 3540)
There are three aspects or parts to the Love Letter Technique: 1. Write a Love Letter expressing your feelings of anger, sadness, fear, regret, and love. 2. Write a Response Letter expressing what you want to hear from your partner. 3. Share your Love Letter and Response Letter with your partner. The Love Letter Technique is quite flexible. You may choose to do all three steps, or you may only need to do one or two of them. (Location 3551)
Ironically, the very act of avoiding our negative emotions gives them the power to control our lives. (Location 3978)