Preface to the Fourth Edition

The ground conditions necessary for sustainable and transformative change in all coaching relationships, whether formal or informal, come from the act of consciously creating co-active relationships: relationships that are collaborative, cooperative, co-created, active, and engaged and that yield action steps and learning. (Location 139)

For leaders and managers, the ability to interact with employees by using a “coach approach” is now widely regarded as a core competency, an essential skill set. More and more, businesses see coaching as an invaluable tool in the development of talent, both in the formal coaching relationships and in the informal coaching roles that leaders and managers play with the people they lead. (Location 164)

Introduction

The book represents more than 25 years of experience training people in how to be effective coaches through the Co-Active Training Institute (CTI), using the model and approach of co-active coaching. Today, CTI is the largest in-person coach training organization in the world, delivering courses in North America, Europe, the Middle East, and Asia. (Location 210)

We believe that coaching is chiefly about discovery, awareness, and choice. It is a way of effectively empowering people to find their own answers, encouraging and supporting them on the path as they continue to make important choices. (Location 232)

A co-active conversation has inherent ground rules regarding certain qualities that must be present: respect, openness, compassion, empathy, and a rigorous commitment to speaking the truth. (Location 245)

A co-active conversation has certain beliefs built into it: that every situation has possibilities and that people really do have the power of choice. This is a way of being in relationship and being in conversation that shifts the focal point of the conversation from who has rank to what is possible. It shifts the conversation from simply analyzing and problem solving to working together more effectively and learning to be more resourceful so that future issues are actually easier to address because the relationship is resilient and creative. (Location 248)

Co-active coaching has taken root around the world, transcending historical cultural barriers because it connects at a deeply human level—at a place of longing for meaningful connection. From a global perspective we see this as part of an evolving human consciousness. We believe co-active conversations are both an example of this shift in human consciousness and an instrument to create it. (Location 256)

Leaders who truly listen as coaches tune in to the nuances of voice, emotion, and energy; they listen for what is being said and what is not being said. They listen to the very best in others, even when the others can’t hear it in themselves. (Location 262)

This emphasis on the combination of relationship and action is elegantly captured in the words for this form: it is co-active. It combines both being and doing: being collaborative, cooperating, working together on a mutual mission—and actively moving forward to a vision or goal. (Location 267)

PART 1 Co-Active Fundamentals

People participate in or seek out coaching because they want things to be different. They are looking for change or they have important goals to reach. They may be motivated to write a book, to start a business, to make a leap up the career ladder, to have a healthier body. They come to coaching in order to be more effective or more satisfied in life and work; they come to develop new skills to help navigate life’s changes. (Location 308)

less: less confusion, less stress, less financial pressure. In general, they come to coaching because they want a better quality of life—more fulfillment, better balance—or a different process for accomplishing their desires. Whatever the individual reason, it all starts with a stirring of motivation within the coachee. (Location 312)

By understanding the fundamentals of co-active coaching, you will be better prepared to see the opportunity in these situations and engage more effectively—not as a counselor or problem solver, but in a co-active way that courageously enters the conversation more as a companion on an unexpected journey. In a way, that describes the fundamental nature of every coaching conversation: being present in the moment, open to what shows up, even if we started with a plan. (Location 323)

Note: A companion on the coachee's Hero's Journey

There is a subtext to every conversation. That subtext is made up of assumptions, expectations, and unspoken agreements. It’s also made up of relationship qualities that include individual status, values, and beliefs—all melding together in a conversation that may be about something very ordinary. It’s easy to ignore the subtext in favor of focusing on the conversation on the surface; we’re more familiar with that option and it’s more comfortable, but it can miss the opportunity for a deeper conversation. It is that deeper conversation that builds relationship, trust, and empowered results. (Location 327)

CHAPTER 1 The Co-Active Model

Four Cornerstones

People are Naturally Creative, Resourceful, and Whole (Location 353)

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We start with this assertion: people are, by their very nature, naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. They are capable: capable of finding answers, capable of choosing, capable of taking action, capable of recovering when things don’t go as planned, and, especially, capable of learning. This capacity is wired into all human beings no matter their circumstances. (Location 354)

As coaches, when we assume that others are resourceful and creative, we become curious and open to possibilities. We enter into a process of discovering with the coachee, not dictating. (Location 359)

is our place as coaches, our gift to see the true, natural selves who were and are still capable. We remind them of their own inner light and help them find it again—because it is there. Naturally. (Location 364)

Focus on the Whole Person (Location 366)

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When a coach is sitting across from a coachee (even by telephone), the coach is not sitting across from a problem to be solved; the coach is sitting across from a person. This person does have a problem to solve—a change to make, a dream to fulfill, a task to accomplish, a goal to reach. All of that is true. But this person is more than the problem at hand—or the goal, the dream, the task. This is a whole person: heart, mind, body, and spirit. And this issue, whatever it is, is not neatly isolated. It is inexorably entwined in the coachee’s whole life. (Location 375)

This cornerstone is certainly not a hard, tight, concentrated focus on the whole person. It is more of a soft or broad focus, an attentive focus that includes the whole person and the whole life, listening on many levels. (Location 380)

the key is increased awareness, because no topic exists in isolation. A decision in one area of life inevitably ripples through all areas of life. ... A coach can work effectively with a coachee on a very narrow topic, but in the co-active way there is a larger picture also at play, and that is the whole person. (Location 400)

Dance in This Moment (Location 403)

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Every conversation creates tone, mood, nuance. There is as much information, sometimes more in how the words are said versus the words chosen; sometimes there is more information in what is not said than what is said. (Location 406)

The information about what to say or ask does not come from a script. It comes in the moment, in THIS moment, and then the next moment. To “dance in this moment” is to be very present to what is happening right now and respond to that stimulus, not to a master plan. (Location 409)

Evoke Transformation (Location 418)

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The topic of the coaching will likely be something quite specific—a fraction of the coachee’s life that the coachee is focused on. But if we follow that leaf to the branch and move from the branch to the trunk of the tree and its roots, there is always a deeper connection possible. The goal of the coaching in one session might be clarity and action around a project. The motivation for the coaching could be a new job or promotion, improved fitness, or execution on a business plan. In fact, coachees may have their attention only on the specific goal for that specific topic. The coach, on the other hand, sees the tree and the larger, fully connected life. (Location 419)

There is a yearning for the very best, the full potential that the coachee can experience. And when that connection ignites between today’s goal and life’s potential, it is transformative. (Location 426)

There is a shift from the satisfaction of “ahh” to the breakthrough awareness of “aha”—a new strength, a renewed capacity—like finding muscles they didn’t know they had or had forgotten they had. (Location 429)

Coaches play a key role, by holding a vision of what is possible and by their commitment to transformative experience. Coachees still choose the topic, the action, and the results they want. But by taking a stand for the greatest possible impact from even the smallest action, coaches encourage—and ultimately evoke—transformation. (Location 434)

How does the quality of the conversation change when you start with a belief that your coworker, son, or daughter is naturally creative, resourceful, and whole? Capable? It’s possible the conversation might change from giving advice to being curious: asking more questions and inviting the resourcefulness of that other person. (Location 440)

The Heart of the Model

Fulfillment (Location 466)

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FIGURE 1 The Co-Active Coaching Model (Location 471)

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Sorting out values is a way of sorting out life choices, because when the choices reflect the coachee’s values, life is more satisfying and often feels effortless. Achieving a certain goal can be very fulfilling—especially as a benchmark—but most coachees find that fulfillment is not the finish line. At its deepest level, fulfillment is about finding and experiencing a life of purpose and service. It is about reaching one’s full potential. (Location 475)

Note: Importance of finding your own values

Balance (Location 478)

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Coachees often want to say yes to more in their lives without making room for it by saying no to something else. This impulse leads to an overwhelmed feeling—and lives that are out of balance. (Location 487)

Process (Location 493)

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The coach’s job is to notice, point out, and be with coachees wherever they are in their process. The coach is there to encourage and support, provide companionship around the rocks, and escort coachees through the dark waters as well as to celebrate their skill and success at navigating the difficult passages. (Location 498)

Designed Alliance for an Empowered Coaching Environment

The Five Contexts

Listening (Location 517)

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the most important listening of coaching takes place on a deeper level. It is the listening for the meaning behind the story, for the underlying process, for the theme that will deepen the learning. (Location 518)

Intuition (Location 526)

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Intuition is a kind of knowing that resides in the background and is often unspoken. (Location 527)

Our culture doesn’t validate intuition as a reliable means of drawing conclusions or making decisions, so we hesitate to say what our intuition tells us. (Location 529)

For most coaches, intuition is a skill that needs practice and development. It is enormously valuable because, time and again, it synthesizes more impressions and information than we could ever analyze consciously. (Location 534)

Curiosity (Location 536)

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Forward and Deepen (Location 545)

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Self-Management (Location 556)

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In order to truly hold the coachee’s agenda, the coach must get out of the way—not always an easy thing to do. Self-management is the coach’s ability to set aside personal opinions, preferences, pride, defensiveness, and ego. The coach needs to be “over there” with the coachee, immersed in the coachee’s situation and struggle, not “over here,” dealing with the coach’s own thoughts, analysis, and judgments. (Location 556)

The Coach’s Role in the Model

Making a difference—helping others to achieve their dreams and reach their potential—this is why coaches are drawn to this work. (Location 572)

The Co-Active Way: A Broader Application of the Model

CHAPTER 2 The Co-Active Coaching Relationship

Coaching is not so much a methodology as it is a relationship, a particular kind of relationship. (Location 585)

It starts with an awareness that every coachee is in a unique life and work situation, with unique goals and desire for change, unique abilities, unique interests, and even unique habits of selfsabotage. (Location 590)

There is no “authorized universal coaching reference guide” with standardized diagnoses and coaching solutions neatly defined. Coaching is inherently dynamic; that is one of the fundamental qualities of coaching and a reason for its power as a medium for change. (Location 594)

FIGURE 2 The Coaching Power Triangle (Location 605)

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The Coaching Environment

An effective coaching conversation has a clear and powerful mandate that is about learning, change, and growth. This is about evoking transformation as we describe it in the four cornerstones. (Location 624)

By environment, we mean both a physical environment and a relationship environment that is made up of ground rules, an understanding of expectations, and mutual agreements that support the coaching process. (Location 627)

Most conversations take place in noisy environments—and that noise is more than the audible, high-decibel, cacophony in a busy environment. It includes distractions, priorities, emotions, deadlines, family matters . . . the list of noisemakers is endless. The goal for an effective coaching conversation is a relationship environment that is as clear and as quiet as possible, devoid of as much noise as can be eliminated. (Location 629)

two core characteristics of an effective coaching environment: 1. It is safe enough for coachees to take the risks they need to take. 2. It is a courageous place where coachees are able to approach their lives and the choices they make with motivation, creativity, and commitment. (Location 632)

Confidentiality (Location 643)

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If coachees are going to risk making significant change, they must be able to risk talking freely with their coach. Courageous disclosure is crucial because it leads to the discovery that is necessary for action. (Location 646)

Trust (Location 654)

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A coaching relationship built on the premise that coachees are naturally creative, resourceful, and whole and are capable of making the best choices is a relationship founded on basic trust in the coachee’s capacity and integrity. Coachees see that they have a person in their lives who believes they can do what they say they can do, who believes they can be the people they say they want to be. (Location 661)

Speaking the Truth (Location 672)

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The coaching environment is a place without judgment. It is a place where the coach expects the truth from the coachee because truth carries no consequence other than learning, discovery, and new insight. (Location 675)

A real relationship is not built on being nice; it’s built on being real. Coaches can be careful . . . or they can care fully and commit to telling the truth as they see it. When the coach has the courage to tell the truth, the coachee gets a model of the art of being straight; in the process, more trust is built between coach and coachee. (Location 683)

Openness and Spaciousness (Location 686)

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The Designed Alliance

Coaching Format

Getting Started

Coaches typically begin a working relationship with an initial process that is part coachee orientation and part self-discovery work for coachees. This foundation-setting process familiarizes coachees with the coaching process, provides an opportunity to design the alliance, and begins the work of clarifying coachee issues and goals. There is no standardized form for this. (Location 739)

Logistics (Location 751)

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Settling such details as appointment schedules, cancellation policy, and payment arrangements (when appropriate) is part of getting under way, but it is also key in creating relationship. (Location 753)

You Are Here. Where Is Here? (Location 756)

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Often, the coach will make an overall assessment of satisfaction in the significant areas of the coachee’s life using a tool like the Wheel of Life (Location 759)

FIGURE 4 The Wheel of Life (Location 765)

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The coach may use assessment tools or exercises, but at the heart of the discovery process are answers to simple, powerful questions: Where do you want to make a difference in your life? What do you value most in your relationship with others? What works for you when you are successful at making changes? Where do you usually get stuck? What motivates you? How do you deal with disappointment or failure? How are you about doing what you say you’ll do? (Location 768)

Designing the Future (Location 775)

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Here the focus is on having coachees describe what they want to change or what they want to achieve. (Location 777)

Chances of success are better when coachees concentrate on one or two key points of change, so part of the foundation-setting conversation is designed to clarify those key areas. These future outcomes will be the result of achieving goals, fulfilling commitments, changing habits, and bringing a compelling vision to life. (Location 778)

Desired Outcome and Goals (Location 781)

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Coachees bring a desire for change to coaching. The results they have in mind may be vaguely defined or crystal clear, but in either case, coachees have not yet been able to achieve the results they want. Desired outcomes may be as specific as a particular goal, or coachees may want to move toward a certain state of being, such as “balanced,” “living well with a life-threatening illness,” or “more fulfilled with my work.” (Location 781)

Part of the initial process will be devoted to clarifying outcomes and, in many cases, refining broadly stated desires into specific goals: What will happen? By when? And how will coachees know they have achieved the results they want? Coach and coachee work together to clarify the goals as well as develop strategies for achieving them. (Location 785)

Just as important to achieving results is putting new practices in place. Eliminating lifedraining habits while implementing sustaining, life-giving practices is another important focus of the coaching process. (Location 787)

Compelling Vision (Location 789)

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Discovering what draws us has the power to overcome the bonds of lethargy and fear. (Location 792)

Who You Need to Be

The classic definition of crazy is to continue to do things the same way and expect different results. (Location 795)

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In order to achieve the results they want, coachees very likely will need to change attitudes, paradigms, or underlying beliefs. The beginning of a new coaching relationship is an ideal time to peel back the accumulated layers of identity and old roles to uncover the authentic person within. (Location 797)

Orientation to Coaching

A clear, forthright conversation helps reinforce frank, unrestrained, and hence co-active groundwork. (Location 803)

Homeostasis

There will often be a tendency, or a temptation at least, to backslide. It’s better for coachees to be aware and prepared, so that if the temptation appears, it does not feel like they are failing. Homeostasis, the natural tendency to keep things just as they are, is also inherent in the system. (Location 810)

The Neuroscience of Coaching

The neuroscience research reinforces what coaches have known from experience: where the attention goes, energy flows. And that energy is generative. It actually creates new neural pathways—new attitudes, new beliefs, new expectations, and, over time, new results that are sustainable because they are built on those neural pathways. (Location 819)

Neuroscience examines the interrelationship between the two hemispheres of the brain—the interaction of creativity and cognition—both are necessary for an effective coaching outcome: a combination of clear plans and proactive imagination. (Location 824)

The Bigger Picture

In order for coaching to work, there must be commitment on the part of the coachee to exploring, changing, learning, taking risks, persevering even when it is difficult, and investing the time and energy. Coachees must be willing to go beyond their comfort zones and step into the unknown for the sake of change. Without this commitment, coaching drifts and devolves into chitchat or to-do lists that often don’t get done. (Location 830)

PART 2 Co-Active Contexts

These are the five co-active contexts: ■   Listening ■   Intuition ■   Curiosity ■   Forward and Deepen ■   Self-Management (Location 865)

There are skills associated with each of the competencies, and in each of the following chapters we will describe those skills and give examples. (Location 877)

CHAPTER 3 Listening

To be truly listened to is a striking experience, partly because it is so rare. (Location 883)

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Listening is a talent each of us is given in some measure. People who become coaches tend to be gifted listeners to begin with. But listening is also a skill that people can learn and develop through training and practice. (Location 887)

A one-on-one coaching session is a time set aside for a deeper, more fulfilling conversation, and for coaches, listening in new ways is key. (Location 894)

We live in a mostly wireless world where we connect and disconnect instantly and invisibly, and the same things happen in conversation. (Location 905)

Maybe you’ve noticed this in yourself or in others. Instead of really listening, we start thinking about what we’ll say next. We look for a comparable story—or one that’s just a little more dramatic: (Location 906)

Effective coaching—whether you are a trained coach or this employee’s manager—requires effective listening that is both attuned and adept. The best listeners know how to maximize the listening interaction. Interaction is the right word, too, because listening is not simply passively hearing. There is action in listening. (Location 912)

Awareness and Impact

There are two aspects of listening in a co-active context. One is awareness; the other is impact. (Location 916)

Awareness includes the information we receive in what we hear with our ears, of course, but we also listen with all of our senses and with our intuition. We hear, see, and experience sounds, words, images, feelings, and energy. We are attentive to all the information we draw in from our senses. We are multifaceted receivers with many receptors of various kinds, all of which are taking in information. We notice the pace of the delivery, the pitch and tone, the modulation of the voice. We sense the pressure behind the words—the voice might be soft or hard edged, tentative or enraged. We listen not only to the person but, simultaneously, to everything else that is happening in the environment. (Location 917)

Since we can’t halt the flow to analyze, discern, and interpret meaning from all the incoming sources, the key is to stay open, be aware, and remain receptive. (Location 924)

The second aspect, impact, points to the effect of our listening on others—specifically, the impact of the coach’s listening on the coachee. (Location 925)

Imagine you’re in a fencing match. All of your attention is focused on the opponent as you instantaneously make choices and respond, parry, and thrust. Your attention is not on the choices you are making; that would break your concentration, with possibly disastrous results. Once the match is over, you can recap the action and review the choices you made. Similarly, when you listen with awareness of your impact, you are not thinking about what you take in or what you’re going to do with your awareness. Your listening is hyperconscious and subconscious at the same time. (Location 928)

Level I: Internal Listening

At Level I, our awareness is on ourselves. We listen to the words of the other person, but our attention is on what it means to us personally. (Location 940)

At Level I, there is only one question: What does this mean to me? (Location 944)

Another indication that you are operating at Level I is a strong desire for more information. You want answers, explanations, details, and data. (Location 949)

Level 1 also includes listening to all the echoes in your own mind. (Location 959)

Another easy trap for leaders and managers that results in listening at Level 1 is the strong, trained, and rewarded drive to solve problems—as quickly as possible. (Location 962)

Level I informs us about ourselves and what’s going on around us. It’s also where we figure things out and understand. It’s very important. Coachees need to be at Level I. That’s their job: to look at themselves and their lives—to process, think about, feel, understand. But it is definitely not appropriate for the coach to be operating at this self-absorbed level for any length of time. (Location 965)

Level I Dialogue (Location 969)

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Coachee: The new house is a mess. I’ve got boxes everywhere. I can hardly get from the front door to the bathroom—and I’ve got the biggest proposal of my career to finish by Friday. COACH: I went through the same thing last year. The key is to make sure you’ve got your long-term vision in sight. Coachee: Uh. Okay, and that’s sort of the dilemma, though. Because I traveled so much last month, my wife’s past the point of patience. I’m really not pulling my weight at home. COACH: Trust me. That’ll work out. The mess is temporary. Don’t let it distract you from the real issue: maintaining momentum. Coachee: This feels like more than a little distraction. COACH: I’m sure you can explain why this is so important. In the meantime, let’s get back to your proposal. Coachee: Okay. If you’re sure . . (Location 971)

Don’t kid yourself. The person you are talking to can feel the difference between genuine listening and faux listening, and it has a negative impact. We’ve all been trained to decode these clues since we were children. (Location 988)

A conversation where the person you’re talking to is listening at Level 1 feels disengaged and inauthentic, and it ultimately undermines trust. (Location 990)

Level II: Focused Listening

When you, as a coach, are listening at Level II, your awareness is totally on your coachees. You listen for their words, their expressions, their emotions, everything they bring. You notice what they say, how they say it. You notice what they don’t say. You see their smiles or hear the tears in their voices. You listen for what they value. You listen for their vision, for the unique way they look at the world. You listen for what makes them come alive in the coaching session and what makes them go dead or withdraw. (Location 998)

At Level II, coaches are constantly aware of the impact their listening is having on their coachees. (Location 1003)

For the coach, everything you need to know about where to go next in the coaching just happened—a second ago—if you are listening and aware. (Location 1004)

At Level II, coaches are so focused on the coachee that the mind chatter virtually disappears and coaching becomes spontaneous. As a coach, you are no longer trying to figure out the next move. In fact, if your attention is on trying to come up with what to say next—what brilliant question to pose to the coachee—that should be a clue that you are listening at Level l, inside your own experience. (Location 1007)

It’s as though you listen twice before the coachee responds again. You listen for the coachee’s initial conversation, and you listen for the coachee’s reaction to your response. (Location 1013)

When you connect at Level II, it’s as if the message is I have time for you. Not just I have time to address the problem but I have time for you. (Location 1018)

Level II Dialogue (Location 1022)

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Coachee: The new house is a mess. I’ve got boxes everywhere. I can hardly get from the front door to the bathroom—and I’ve got the biggest proposal of my career to finish by Friday. COACH: What’s that like? Coachee: You mean, living in a pile of boxes? COACH: I was thinking more about the dilemma that puts you in—pulled to honor an important career opportunity on the one hand and a family commitment on the other. Coachee: Exactly. It feels like I’m going to let somebody down. Like I have to choose who to disappoint. I know if I don’t help out with moving, I could be living solo soon, if you know what I mean. My wife did nearly all the packing last month while I was traveling. COACH: It sounds like you’ve got this set up as either/or. There are only two choices, and no matter which way you play it, you lose. Coachee: That’s what it feels like. COACH: I want to acknowledge your care in the process of making an important decision. At the moment it sounds like you’re stuck between two options. Coachee: I feel trapped—like there is no way out. COACH: Let’s take a step back. What’s a third option? Thinking outside the box? (Location 1022)

Level III: Global Listening

When you listen at Level III, you listen as if you and the coachee are at the center of the universe, receiving information from everywhere at once. It’s as though you are surrounded by a force field that contains you, the coachee, and an environment of information. (Location 1045)

If Level II is hardwired or laser focused, then Level III is like a radio field. (Location 1048)

One of the benefits of learning to listen at Level III is greater access to your intuition. Through your intuition, you receive information that is not directly observable, and you use that information just as you would use words coming from the coachee’s mouth. At Level III, intuition is simply more information. (Location 1052)

Anyone who is successful at influencing people is skilled at listening at Level III. These people have the ability to read their impact and adjust their behavior accordingly. (Location 1061)

To listen at Level III, you must be very open and softly focused, sensitive to subtle stimuli, ready to receive information from all the senses—in your own sphere, in the world around you, in the world around your coachee. (Location 1065)

Level III Dialogue (Location 1069)

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Coachee: The new house is a mess. I’ve got boxes everywhere. I can hardly get from the front door to the bathroom—and I’ve got the biggest proposal of my career to finish by Friday. COACH: I think I just heard alarms going off. Coachee: Really? COACH: Well, not literally. But you’re talking very fast and it sounds like you’re out of breath. That’s not your usual tone. I get the sense that you’re packed as tight as some of those boxes. Coachee: Is it that obvious? COACH: Like the walls are closing in. Cue the dramatic music. Coachee: That’s what it feels like—and with no way out. Cornered. In my relationship and in my work. COACH: What do you want to do about that? Coachee: What I’ve been trying to do is step around it, or over it, and that doesn’t seem to be working. I guess it’s time to sit down and work it out—unpack it all, so to speak. (Location 1070)

In actual coaching conversations, of course, coaches switch constantly between Levels II and III—and when they slip into that Level I place, they recover as quickly as possible. (Location 1085)

The Coach Is Listening

Listening is the entry point for the coaching. In one sense, all the other contexts depend on listening at Levels II and III. Listening, then, is the gateway through which all the coaching passes. (Location 1096)

When leaders and managers shift from managing the problem to managing the person, the cultural impact is enormous. (Location 1105)

Handling the Issue (Location 1109)

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Employee: We have three potential suppliers to choose from. Two we have worked with in the past. All three are qualified. We’ve used Montgomery mostly. MANAGER: Are prices comparable? Can they deliver on time? Employee: Montgomery is a little more expensive, but their track record for delivery is better. MANAGER: That’s a plus. What feedback have you gotten from manufacturing? (Location 1110)

Managing/Coaching the Person (Location 1116)

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Employee: We have three potential suppliers to choose from. Two we have worked with in the past. All three are qualified. We’ve used Montgomery mostly. MANAGER: What part of this decision do you want help with? Employee: To be honest, I’m uneasy about selecting Montgomery again. MANAGER: What’s the uneasiness about? Employee: We had a problem with a recent order. It hasn’t really been addressed. I still think we were overcharged. MANAGER: Sounds like it could be a difficult conversation to have. What’s the stretch in this for you? (Location 1117)

Coaching Skills

Articulating (Location 1135)

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Articulation is the ability to succinctly describe what is going on. Coachees often can’t see for themselves what they are doing or saying. Or perhaps they can see the details but not the bigger picture. (Location 1138)

With this skill, you share your observations as clearly as possible, but without judgment. You tell coachees what you see them doing. (Location 1140)

Articulating is a skill that helps coachees connect the dots so they can see the picture they are creating by their action or, sometimes, lack of action. As the coach, you have a responsibility to articulate what you see but at the same time, as with all of the coaching skills, not feel attached to being right about it. (Location 1145)

Clarifying (Location 1159)

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Clarifying brings the image into sharper focus, adds detail, and holds it up for inspection so the coachee can say, “Yes! That’s it!” It’s a way to move past the fog and get back on course. (Location 1165)

Meta-View (Location 1177)

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Get in the imaginary helicopter with the coachee, take it up to about 10,000 feet, and look down on the coachee’s life. (Location 1177)

The meta-view reconnects coachees to their vision of themselves and a fulfilling life. When they’re struggling at the foot of the mountain, looking up at the daunting work to be done, meta-view allows them to float above it and get a fresh perspective. (Location 1181)

Meta-view presents a panoramic view of the journey. (Location 1193)

Meta-view is a useful way to provide context, especially when the situation makes it easy to be drawn into the details of a problem. (Location 1193)

Metaphor (Location 1198)

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The skill of metaphor enables you to draw on imagery and experience to help the coachee comprehend more quickly and more easily. (Location 1198)

Acknowledging (Location 1203)

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This skill addresses who the coachee is. By way of contrast, praise and compliments highlight what people do: “Good job on that report, Janet.” (Location 1205)

Acknowledgment recognizes the inner character of the person to whom it is addressed. More than what that person did, or what it means to the sender, acknowledgment highlights who the sender sees: “Janet, you really showed your commitment to learning.” “You took a big risk.” “I can see your love of beauty in it.” (Location 1208)

Acknowledgment helps coachees see what they sometimes dismiss in themselves out of a distorted sense of humility, or simply don’t see at all. (Location 1215)

Acknowledgment goes right to the heart of where the coachee is growing and getting stronger (and, often, feeling the need for validation). When you acknowledge this, you empower coachees to keep growing. (Location 1220)

There are actually two parts to every acknowledgment in co-active coaching. The first part we’ve already covered: delivering the acknowledgment. The second part is noticing the impact on the coachee. This is a way for the coach to make sure that the acknowledgment was truly on target. Notice the coachee’s reaction. (Location 1221)

CHAPTER 4 Intuition

For many people, the trouble with intuition starts with the difficulty of verifying that it’s “real.” (Location 1312)

Both a rational mind and an intuitive gut feeling access information. Neither approach is the right or wrong way; they provide information from different sources. A rational mind is weighted toward analysis and logic, which we all agree can be very useful in business and in life. Gut feelings are weighted toward creative possibility and innovation—thinking outside the box—a resource that is also very useful in business and in life. ... We are most effective when we have access to both approaches and have the creative capacity to navigate between them. (Location 1320)

Another Word for Intuition

Within the walls of most organizations, using a phrase like “My intuition tells me . . . ” might sound out of place and might not be thought of as business-like. In that case, maybe an alternative word would be instinct, as in, “My instinct tells me . . . ” (Location 1327)

It’s a level of knowing that processes a great deal of data at once in cluster, not linearly. (Location 1331)

The Known versus the Unknown Universe

Conventional, observable knowing is one form; intuition is the second. Together these two dimensions give depth and perspective to any issue. (Location 1360)

But Is It Right?

What if intuition were a place—not a place we visit often, perhaps, but simply a place that we go to, like memory, that provides us with an answer? (Location 1367)

In order to express our intuition in words, we make an interpretation. It’s our interpretation of the intuitive nudge that can be off-target. (Location 1369)

Intuition often shows up in unexpected ways in the coaching conversation. Sometimes it’s a hunch. Or it might appear as a visual image or an unexplained shift in emotion or energy. The important thing to remember in coaching is to be open to intuition—trusting it, aware of it, and completely unattached to the interpretation. (Location 1378)

Intuitive Intelligence

Another way to think of intuition is to regard it as a kind of intelligence, like musical intelligence or visual intelligence. (Location 1413)

One of the interesting things about intuition is its elusive quality. Looking too intently for it makes it more difficult to find. (Location 1424)

The key seems to be to take a soft focus, to be open. Your intuition is there, giving you messages or clues, just below the surface. This is the paradox of intuition: an open hand will hold it; it will slip through a fist. (Location 1427)

Observation and Interpretation

We have said that intuition starts with a nudge, a feeling. It could also be an observation, although it might not be clear that you have observed something specific. Calling it simply an observation makes it neutral. You can say “I have a feeling,” or “I have an observation,” or “I have an intuition,” and no one can dispute it. It is your feeling, observation, or intuition. What happens next is often an interpretation of the feeling, intuition, or observation. We need to put some words around this very subjective nudge. It is natural to give the intuition a meaning, and it is this interpretation of the intuition that can be off-base. (Location 1429)

Note that the nudge doesn’t come with a descriptive label. It’s a nudge—an impulse. (Location 1438)

The lesson here is that if you’re going to use your intuition effectively, you can’t be attached to your interpretation. In fact, this desire to be right about an interpretation is often the reason people hold back their intuition. They’re afraid of being wrong or appearing foolish. (Location 1443)

Finding Your Own Access Point

We develop our ability to access our intuition in the same way we develop talents or build muscles. Intuitive fitness is just as possible as physical fitness. Fortunately, coaching is an intuition fitness gym. (Location 1451)

Compared to the triceps muscle, which is in the same place for all of us, our intuition is found in a different place for each of us. (Location 1453)

Many people find their intuition in the body—in their chest or stomach. It’s no wonder people talk of intuition as a “gut response” or a feeling “in my gut.” Some feel a burning on the forehead or a tingling in the fingers. For others, intuition is not felt in the body at all. It may be above you, or it might be a bubble that surrounds you. You may “see” your intuition in a visual way or feel it kinesthetically. Some people find that they’re better able to access their intuition by standing up. For others, the connection is definitely verbal. The next time you notice that your intuition or instinct is actively present, listen to your body or your experience at that point in time to locate where the communication is coming from. (Location 1455)

Blurting It Out

Even after the nudge of intuition, there is often a natural tendency to hold back, to analyze it, to check and see if it is right or if this is the right time to say something or find the right words for it. Unfortunately, by the time you’ve performed a set of validation tests on your intuition, the conversation has moved on. Your moment is lost. Intuition is like a small flash of light that is already beginning to fade as soon as it appears. The most powerful moment is the first. Holding back out of fear and timidity, hesitating, will allow it to pass by. That’s a shame, because blurting out your intuition can often create a dramatic shortcut in the coaching conversation, boring through many layers. (Location 1466)

Phrasing It

I have a sense . . . May I tell you about a gut feeling I have? I have a hunch that . . . Can I check something out with you? I wonder if . . . See how this fits for you. (Location 1491)

My intuition tells me . . . (Location 1496)

Coaching Skills

Intruding (Location 1503)

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Rather than wait for a socially polite break in the conversation, you interrupt and redirect the conversation or ask a question. Often your intuition urges you to intrude. (Location 1505)

Remember, too, that coachees usually know when they’re droning on and on. If you don’t redirect this type of rambling, coachees begin to think of the coaching session as a place to tell stories, not get into action; before long they’re dissatisfied and ready to abandon the coaching relationship. (Location 1508)

In general, it’s best if you prepare your coachees for these types of intrusions at the beginning of your coaching relationship. Explain that you’ll sometimes interrupt the conversation in a way that may surprise them. (Location 1512)

Ask them to let you know if they feel offended so that the two of you can talk about it again if necessary. This should be all the permission you need, as a coach, to intrude whenever it seems appropriate. (Location 1516)

Here’s the real point: you’re not intruding on them; you’re intruding on the story that gets in the way—that obscures and fogs the picture. Would you really rather be perceived as polite, or nice, than intrude to help your coachees get to the heart of the matter? (Location 1518)

Blurting (Location 1554)

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In coaching, it actually serves the coachee to go right into the messiness without sorting it out first. It’s better to dive in and be willing to look a little clumsy. This often builds more trust than if you are always the polished, professional authority, always in control. Being clumsy or messy, and therefore more human, is also more authentic. (Location 1557)

CHAPTER 5 Curiosity

A Different Way of Asking

Curiosity starts with a question. ... We have this natural, automatic response to a question. It sends us looking for an answer. Simply posing the question shifts the trajectory of the conversation. (Location 1607)

Curious questions are open, expansive, provocative, and exploratory, sometimes piercing through many layers. They invite exploration, reflection, and discovery. (Location 1611)

The following examples illustrate the differences between the two types of questions.   Information Gathering Curious What products and geographies will you include in your market analysis? How much exercise do you need each week? What cities are on your list as you consider your next move? What insight are you looking for from the market analysis? What would “being fit” look like for you? What’s important to you about places where you might live? (Location 1625)

The deadliest questions of all in this style of information gathering are the questions that ask for a yes or a no. They simply erect a huge stop sign in the middle of the conversation. The road ends abruptly, and the coach has to start all over again. (Location 1632)

Another form of the closed-ended question is the leading question. The leading question implies that there is a right answer, a conclusion, built into the question itself. (Location 1643)

Here are some examples. ■   Have you thought about subdividing the sales territories to make them more fair? ■   When you think about going back to school to get your PhD and accomplish your career dream, have you considered the emotional toll on your family and the debt burden it will create? (Location 1646)

The Value of Curiosity

When you are curious, you are no longer in the role of expert. Instead, you are joining coachees in a quest to find out what’s there. You are exploring their world with them, not superimposing your world on theirs. (Location 1667)

Building the Relationship (Location 1685)

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Curiosity builds relationships; interrogation builds defenses. (Location 1692)

Steering through Curiosity (Location 1696)

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Being curious in coaching is two things: not being attached to a particular path or destination and yet always being intentional about seeking out meaning, uncovering important insight, and discovering learning for the coachee. It is not aimless meandering. (Location 1699)

Coaches rarely need to know how things came to be. Coachees already know the background, and the coachee is the one who is making choices, taking action. If there is a reason to be curious about the past or survey the background, it might be to look for patterns or themes that are useful in the present conversation. This is not so that coaches have a better understanding about what happened; it is so coachees have a better understanding of what they value, the way they make decisions, and how they persevere or sabotage themselves. That insight can then be applied to the current situation. (Location 1705)

Developing the Talent (Location 1710)

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Like listening and intuition, curiosity is a talent. (Location 1711)

The first step is awareness—simply paying attention to being curious. (Location 1712)

Coachees know when the coach is asking a question with a “correct” answer in mind. They sense that they have two choices: either resist giving that answer or try to discern the answer the coach is looking for. When the question is asked out of curiosity, they will sense this, too. They will know they are being asked to find their own answers from within. (Location 1715)

One technique for developing your curiosity is to use the phrase “I’m curious . . . ” before asking a question. (Location 1718)

How Curiosity Fits in Coaching (Location 1729)

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Curiosity is especially important in coaching because it taps into deeper sources of information. Asking questions for data will yield analysis, reasons, rationale, explanation. Asking questions out of curiosity will yield deeper—often more authentic—information about feelings and motivation. The information revealed through curiosity is likely to be less censored, less carefully crafted, messier. It will be more real. (Location 1730)

Coaching Skills

The skills reinforce the core of curiosity. This is not about gathering more information; it is about inviting coachees to look—not only with their minds, but with their hearts, souls, and intuition—into places that are familiar but that they may see with new eyes, and into places they may not have looked before. (Location 1761)

Powerful Questions (Location 1763)

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Think of questions as points of a compass. Asking a powerful question is like sending the coachee not to a specific destination but in a direction filled with possible discoveries and mysteries. (Location 1767)

Powerful questions fit anywhere and everywhere in coaching—from the original discovery session to the last completion session between coach and coachee. (Location 1794)

To ask powerful questions, the coach must be very curious and very courageous on the coachee’s behalf. The coach needs to assume that the coachee has the wherewithal to handle even tough, direct questions. (Location 1800)

Sometimes the most powerful questions are the ones that sound the dumbest, or, if you prefer, simple and profound. (Location 1803)

By asking the dumb question, you allow coachees to hear the truth, the new discovery, or the lie they keep telling themselves. It’s like underlining. Asking the questions reinforces the learning before coachees move on. (Location 1820)

When it comes to making questions powerful, the simpler and more direct, the better. ... Aim for seven words or less. (Location 1822)

“Why” questions often unintentionally put coachees on the defensive. They feel a need to explain or justify a decision or point of view. (Location 1833)

A homework inquiry is another special kind of question. In its phrasing, it can be identical to a powerful question. The difference is that the homework inquiry is often posed at the end of the coaching session and is meant to give coachees time for continued reflection and exploration. (Location 1841)

What sets the homework inquiry apart is the scale of exploration—the depth that is possible—and the time available to reflect on the question: several days, a week, or more. (Location 1852)

You can build accountability into the inquiry by asking coachees to text, phone, or email their responses to you before the next session. The homework inquiry is a potent tool in coaching because it takes the coaching out of the session and integrates it into the coachee’s life. (Location 1863)

CHAPTER 6 Forward and Deepen

From the coachee’s perspective, the emphasis in the previous sentence would be on the words action and learning. The coach, however, would focus on forward and deepen. Action and learning are what the coachee experiences. To forward and deepen is the job of the coach. (Location 1937)

Imagine a coin. On one side you see the face of the coachee, and inscribed are the words that describe the coachee’s focus: to take action and learn from that action. On the other side of the coin you see the face of the coach, or the leader in a coaching role. Here are inscribed the words that define the coach’s role: to forward the action and deepen the learning. Each side has a different focus but a common bond. They are two aspects of the same thing, a relationship with a shared purpose. (Location 1939)

Authenticity

In rock climbing, the device that secures a rope is called an anchor. These ingenious devices are wedged into cracks and openings in the rock wall and can be removed later. They are temporary fixtures, but they are designed to hold a climber’s weight, even if the climber falls. A coach is like that anchor. This anchor-coach makes it possible for coachees to take the risks they need to take in order to climb on in their lives. It’s important that coachees be able to depend on that anchor and know that it is real and solid, that it is reliable and will hold. In human terms, this means that you, as the coach, must be yourself, authentically, so that coachees can feel the honesty and integrity of who you are. (Location 1956)

Connection

Part of the coach’s job is to establish, monitor, and maintain the strongest possible connection signal with coachees. This signal strength is especially important when coachees are moving into new or uncharted territory in their work or their lives. (Location 1976)

Aliveness

The doing of coaching is made up of all the skills and methodology. And then there is the being of coaching: the environment in which the coaching takes place. (Location 1981)

If you put the environment on a continuum, you might have words like dead, dull, remote, and indifferent on one end and alive on the other. (Location 1986)

In order for coachees to leave their comfort zones, there will be times when the coaching will be very alive and very uncomfortable. (Location 1991)

Courage

This is a commitment to be fearless—to care more about the coachee’s agenda than about being liked or winning approval. It may mean taking big risks: risking the coachee’s disapproval or anger, maybe even risking being fired. Fierce courage is a commitment to go to the edge with coachees. (Location 1999)

Taking Charge

Accountability

In a co-active approach, we believe accountability is simply this: Coachees give an account of their action and learning. There is no judgment, blame, or scolding. Coachees give an account of what they committed to: What were the results? What worked, and what didn’t work? What would they do differently next time? (Location 2021)

The basic questions to ask for clarifying commitments are simple and clear: ■   What will you do? ■   When will you do it? (Or on what schedule, if it is a practice or an ongoing action.) ■   How will I know? (Or ask how the coachee will track his or her progress and report back to you.) (Location 2029)

Celebrating Failure

Fear of failing is the number one killer of grand plans and good ideas. (Location 2041)

Failure is one of the fastest ways of learning. (Location 2047)

Failing at any action, even failing to take action, is a rich learning opportunity. It is this learning opportunity that we celebrate and explore with coachees. (Location 2051)

Whether a person fails or succeeds, one of the underlying goals is always to look at the learning that results from the experience. That’s why we believe that failing is valuable. It is something to honor in coachees because it requires courage and commitment to take the risk and to fail. (Location 2056)

Calling Forth

As coaches or as managers in the role of coaches, we need to remember that we are not here merely to solve problems; we are here to help coachees or employees become more resourceful and more capable in their work and in their lives. Our job is to look for and call forth this inner strength and capacity from our coachees. (Location 2073)

There will be times when it is easier or more comfortable to hold back, to play it safe, to coast, to settle for less from our coachees. However, when we do that, we betray an unspoken trust. Those are the times when we as coaches need to find the courage to speak up, to insist or challenge or even demand, on behalf of our coachees that they live up to the capabilities they possess and that we see in them. We need to be ready to call forth the best in people, and sometimes that means we start with ourselves. (Location 2077)

Coaching Skills

Goal Setting (Location 2085)

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Part of your role as coach will be to help coachees create goals from their plans and intentions. Splitting the goal into manageable pieces is the first breakthrough for some coachees. (Location 2092)

As a coach, you need to have a clear understanding with coachees about how you and they will handle goal setting, looking for the ways that work best. (Location 2099)

Brainstorming (Location 2127)

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There are a couple of ground rules that will make brainstorming work effectively. The first is that there are no bad ideas. ... In fact, as coach, part of your role is to suggest out-of-the-box ideas and outrageous possibilities. ... The second ground rule is that coaches should not be attached to their own good ideas and, above all, should not use brainstorming as camouflage for pitching their own solutions. (Location 2131)

Requesting (Location 2162)

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Based on your training, your experience, and your knowledge of your coachees, you’ll have a sense—usually based on actions coachees are already considering—of what direction they might take for maximum learning. You simply put the action into the form of a request so that the action is clear and the coachee is accountable. (Location 2164)

You might say to your coachee, “This week, my request is that you create a detailed monthly budget for personal and household expenses. Will you do that?” Note that the language of a request takes a somewhat specific form: there is the request itself stated in a way that is specific and measurable (the coachee can actually be accountable for something), and there is the question at the end that asks for commitment. (Location 2167)

The key to making a successful request is to not be attached to it. The moment you become attached to the brilliance of your own idea and start thinking it’s the right way for the coachee to get results, it’s your agenda, not the coachee’s. (Location 2173)

As far as you, the coach, are concerned, the whole point is some form of action or learning—and as long as that happens, it doesn’t matter who comes up with the action plan. (Location 2179)

Challenging

A challenge asks coachees to extend themselves beyond their self-imposed limits—way out to the edge of improbability. If the challenge is powerful enough, it should cause coachees to sit up straight and exclaim, “No way.” If that’s the response, then you know you’re in the right territory. (Location 2225)

Most coachees will flatly turn down your challenge but then make a counteroffer—at a level higher than anything they would have considered on their own initiative. (Location 2229)

Putting Structures to Work

Here are some other examples of ways to create structures: ■   Create a special screen saver with a theme line or visual image. ■   Post notes around the office or home with affirmations or reminders. ■   Track daily or weekly progress toward major goals on a wall chart. ■   Listen to a meditation tape or an audio book or create an audio file of your own personal motivation. ■   Choose a particular piece of clothing—magic armor—when making sales calls. ■   Light a candle or burn incense. ■   Put a special reminder in your pocket, something like a small stone or toy. ■   Change the lighting in the room by making it brighter or dimmer, or change the light’s color. ■   Create deadlines, such as inviting people to your house for a party so that you will finish painting a room or do some housecleaning. ■   Establish creative consequences or rewards. (Location 2267)

Structures are a way of sustaining the action and learning in the time between coaching sessions. (Location 2281)

Experiment with structures to find out what works, and keep playing with them. The key word here is play. The reason for the structure is to provide discipline and focus in an area where it may be difficult for coachees to stay on track. By making structures playful, you increase the chances that coachees will follow through. (Location 2282)

CHAPTER 7 Self-Management

The context of self-management is a combination of self-awareness and the skill of recovery. It is an awareness of yourself, an ability to notice where you are or where you have gone in relationship with your coachee, and it is about the ability to get back, to reconnect. Self-management is also about getting connected and engaged in the first place. (Location 2328)

Bumped Off Course

Coachees are human—which is another way of saying they are somewhat unpredictable. (Location 2338)

This ability to engage with coachees wherever they are when they show up for coaching is so essential to being an effective co-active coach that we have made it one of the four cornerstones: the ability to dance in this moment. Agility in the dance requires a high level of self-awareness and self-management. (Location 2340)

When you find yourself trapped in selfanalysis—defending, judging, feeling annoyed—the alarm bells should be going off. When you find that you are hooked or caught up in a personal emotional reaction, you are no longer with your coachee; you are with your own Level I reactions, thoughts, and feelings. You are trapped in a cage, racing inside that little exercise wheel, going nowhere. You need to find your way back to your coachee and reconnect. (Location 2383)

Forbidden Territory

It would be wonderful if all great coaching could happen within the coach’s comfort zone. It doesn’t. (Location 2391)

Take a hard look at the areas in your own life where you get tangled up—where you see a pattern of historical trouble for yourself. Chances are, those are the same areas you are unwilling to probe in the coaching sessions. For you, they are blind spots, created out of self-protection. They are probably invisible to you most of the time. (Location 2400)

Self-management is about recognizing that these are uncomfortable issues for you but then exploring them anyway for the sake of your coachee. You must be willing to coach outside your comfort zone. (Location 2407)

Self-Judgment and Good Judgment

The more adept you become at recognizing and working with your own self-judgment, the more you’ll be able to help coachees work with theirs. (Location 2420)

Self-management is also about knowing when you really are in over your head. When that realization strikes, be gentle with yourself. In such a situation, the most constructive thing you can do for the coachee—and for yourself, by the way—is to refer him or her to another coach or another resource for help. (Location 2421)

Practices

Disconnected? Say So (Location 2431)

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Despite your best intentions to always be present and engaged, you will disconnect from your coachee from time to time. (Location 2432)

In that moment of disconnect, one of the most powerful things you can do is to admit it: “I’m sorry; I just went blank for a moment. Would you repeat what you just said? I missed that.” Admitting that you disappeared actually creates trust and reaffirms your commitment to your coachee. (Location 2436)

Be Ready (Location 2441)

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Rather than jump right from one multitasking moment to the next you could give yourself a few minutes of quiet reflection, recalling to mind your intent or purpose. It is a structure for orienting yourself to the coaching—preparing for coachees in physical, emotional, mental, and even spiritual ways. (Location 2444)

The questions for any coach or any manager about to step into a coaching role are simple but essential: Are you ready? Or can you be ready? Yes, you need to be strong for your coachees. (Location 2456)

Opinions and Advice

The Coach’s Dilemma (Location 2473)

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Here’s the key: as long as you are conscientious about framing the conversation as your experience and encouraging coachees to find their own best way while exploring a number of alternative pathways, your experience will be seen as one more potential course of action and not the “expert’s” way. In short, don’t make it a rule that you will never share an opinion or a bit of advice. (Location 2478)

The attention in the coaching session is directed to coachees and their lives and agendas. In almost all cases, it is inappropriate and a waste of the coachee’s time for you to share your personal story. (Location 2484)

Ultimately, in the co-active model, the decision hangs on what will be best for the coachee in the long run. (Location 2491)

Coaching Skills

Recovery (Location 2503)

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Clearly, the most obvious skill for the context of self-management is the skill of recovery: the ability to notice the disruption or disconnection and to reconnect. ... There are three parts to the skill: noticing, naming, and reconnecting. (Location 2504)

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Notice It (Location 2508)

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It is not necessary to know exactly what happened, and it is completely unnecessary to know why or what caused it—at least in the moment. It is important to simply notice the gap, the shift, the disconnect. (Location 2509)

Name It (Location 2511)

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Describe what just happened: “I got lost,” or “I was distracted for a minute.” Sharing this awareness with your coachee is optional, but we encourage it so that your coachee is clued in to where you are. (Location 2511)

Reconnect (Location 2514)

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Each person will have a different tactic for connecting, and each situation may require a different process. Fundamentally, it is the process of turning your attention back over to your coachee—that Level II connection, engaged and present. (Location 2514)

Asking Permission (Location 2516)

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One of the most important techniques the coach uses to remind coachees that they are in charge of the coaching direction is to ask permission: “May we work with this issue?” “Can I tell you what I see?” “Would you like some feedback on that?” When the coach asks permission, it demonstrates that coachees have power in the relationship. It demonstrates, too, that the coach knows the limits of his or her power in the relationship. (Location 2517)

Coachees are honored when you ask permission; their boundaries are respected. (Location 2521)

Bottom-Lining (Location 2535)

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Bottom-lining is the skill of getting to the point and asking the coachee to get to the point, too. (Location 2538)

We recommend that you describe the use of bottom-lining in coaching early in your work with coachees so they are not caught by surprise the first time you ask them to get to the bottom line. (Location 2539)

Bottom-lining is also an important skill for the coach. As the coach, you should not be talking much. Your conversation should be bottomlined. Coachees do the talking. (Location 2543)

Championing (Location 2558)

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Acknowledgment identifies an inner quality or shining attribute that you recognize in your coachee. When you describe it as an acknowledgment, coachees feel seen in important ways. To champion coachees is somewhat similar, but here the focus is on supporting coachees rather than identifying traits. (Location 2559)

You champion coachees by standing up for them when they question their abilities or their capacity to take on the task of challenge. It is not empty cheerleading. As the coach, you champion what you know is true; coachees will know if you aren’t sincere. When you’re not sincere, you not only destroy the effect of the championing but you also put your own credibility at risk. But when you point out your coachees’ abilities, their strengths, their resourcefulness and let them know you believe in them, you give them access to a little more of themselves. (Location 2561)

Clearing (Location 2582)

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Clearing is that valuable skill of venting in order to become present and open to the coaching. (Location 2583)

Coachees often feel awkward about just venting and want to quit before they’re completely clear. So you must really push until the last gasp of bad air is out. Make it a game and keep pressing for more: “Turn up the volume. What else happened? And then what? How did that feel? What a jerk! Tell me more.” (Location 2595)

Reframing (Location 2627)

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Coachees frequently get stuck with a certain way of looking at a situation or an experience. Their perspective, moreover, has a message that is in some way disabling. Your ability to reframe the experience provides a fresh perspective and a sense of renewed possibility. (Location 2627)

In fact, reframing works just as effectively if you ask your coachee to do the reframing. (Location 2634)

Reframing requires looking on the bright side of things, true enough, but it involves more than just being perky for the coachee. Reframing offers more than clichéd comfort—as in “There are plenty of fish in the sea” or “Tomorrow’s another day.” Reframing takes real pieces of the coachee’s life and shifts the perspective to show an opportunity or a pathway that wasn’t apparent minutes before. (Location 2636)

Making Distinctions (Location 2666)

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PART 3 Co-Active Principles

CHAPTER 8 Fulfillment

it takes tremendous courage and commitment on the part of the coachee to really choose and keep choosing a course of fulfillment. (Location 2784)

The world we live in is designed to squeeze people into boxes—often very comfortable boxes, but boxes nonetheless. (Location 2786)

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The Hunger for Fulfillment (Location 2791)

A “fulfilling life” is not something you attain by accomplishment or acquisition. It is a continuous process of creation. As long as we continue to look for things to define our fulfillment, we are likely to be temporarily filled and constantly hungry. (Location 2798)

To Be Fulfilled (Location 2800)

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Part of the confusion about fulfillment is in the language. We know what it means to be “full,” so we think fulfillment is a state we will eventually reach: filled, capped off, finished. Instead, fulfillment is a paradox in that we can be filled today and filled again tomorrow, maybe even in a different way, and then be filled again the next day and the day after that. It is disillusioning to try to capture fulfillment. “Having” fulfillment is like trying to bottle daylight. (Location 2807)

Feeling Good Is Not a Sign (Location 2813)

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Living a life of purpose, mission, or service can be intense, sometimes heartbreaking and exhausting, and at the same time enormously fulfilling. The paradox of fulfillment is that it is possible both to have a sense of inner peace and to experience an outer struggle at the same time. (Location 2821)

To Be Alive (Location 2824)

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In fact, describing fulfillment may be as simple as this: Fulfillment is about being fully alive. Fulfillment is the state of fully expressing who we are and doing what is right for us. (Location 2825)

Big Agenda—Little Agenda (Location 2834)

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In co-active coaching, we see an agenda that is always on the table even if it is not always articulated. This is the big agenda, and it is at the heart of the coaching: it is the coachee’s full, resonant life. This is a life that is lived from the coachee’s values. It is in dynamic action, balancing the coachee’s priorities in life, and it is lived fully in each moment. (Location 2835)

The little agenda consists of goals, action, and accountability. (Location 2845)

In this model, the little agenda leads to fulfilling the big agenda. That is crucial. Part of the coach’s job is to hold this meta-view for coachees, probing to make sure that the action being contemplated is aligned with the coachee’s resonant, fully alive life—and not motivated by circumstances, fear, or a corrupted sense of duty. (Location 2846)

Fulfillment and Values

The link between values and fulfillment is so obvious that it may be overlooked. Helping coachees discover and clarify their values is a way to create a map that will guide them along the decision paths of their lives. (Location 2852)

Values are not morals. There is no sense of morally right or wrong behavior here. Values are not about moral character or ethical behavior, though living in a highly ethical way may be a value. Values are not principles either, like self-government or standards of behavior. Values are the qualities of a life lived fully from the inside out. There is nothing inherently virtuous in your coachee’s values. What is to be admired is not the value itself but your coachee’s ability to live that value fully in his or her life. (Location 2862)

It is enough that coachees are clear about what the words represent, so when they find they’re off track, the wording of their values can help set them back on course. In fact, the coachee’s own unique metaphor or expression very often is better than the common vocabulary at capturing the sense of the value. Coachees may have values like these: ■   Coyote/wild dancer/mischief maker ■   Luminous/chenille/lavender ■   Standing ovation/going for it/buzzer beater The unique, personal expression conveys more energy than a word from the dictionary and ultimately creates more commitment to have more of that value in their life. (Location 2894)

The most effective way to clarify values is to extract them from the coachee’s life experience. (Location 2903)

Coaching Fulfillment

Level of Satisfaction (Location 2935)

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For a big-picture snapshot of where the coachee is in terms of fulfillment on any given day, the Wheel of Life (see figure 5) is a very effective device. As you and the coachee look at each area in the wheel, discuss the state of the coachee’s fulfillment on a scale of 1 to 10. (Location 2936)

The idea is to uncover deeper and deeper levels of meaning and, from time to time, to clarify what you hear and play it back to your coachees so they can hear what they’re saying. (Location 2941)

FIGURE 5 Wheel of Life: Fulfillment (Location 2945)

Using the Wheel of Life, coachees will see for themselves the parts of their lives where they are unfulfilled. With your help, coachees will go through a process that allows them to define what fulfillment means to them. For example, you might begin, “In health and wellness, you say your sense of fulfillment is 6. What would it take to raise that 6 to 10? What will you do to make it fulfilling?” (Location 2947)

Values and Decision Making (Location 2952)

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In coaching, values help determine the “rightness” of choices. They also illuminate unfortunate choices. (Location 2953)

For you as coach, knowing the coachee’s values is a tremendous advantage. (Location 2954)

When the coachee is considering an important life decision, ask how this course of action will honor the top 10 values and to what extent. A decision based on the coachee’s top values will always be a more fulfilling decision. It may not be the easiest or the most enjoyable. It may require sacrifice and even have uncomfortable consequences. But on balance, over time, it will be the most fulfilling. (Location 2959)

Fulfillment and Life Purpose (Location 2967)

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There are many ways to elicit the coachee’s life purpose, and there is more than one way to describe this definition of what our lives are about. Some call it a “mission statement” or a “vision statement.” (Location 2974)

The life purpose is a path, not a destination. And along the way, coachees will encounter plenty of voices, internal and external, telling them to go in other directions. Sometimes they will listen, especially when they are unsure of their purpose. Finding and claiming a life purpose gives coachees a powerful sense of direction for their lives. The truth they find in the life purpose statement can make them virtually unstoppable. (Location 2977)

The life purpose statement has value in coaching because it focuses attention on a fully alive, fully expressed, fulfilling life. (Location 2987)

Living a life of meaning and purpose is a rare accomplishment indeed, and in one sense it is the very definition of fulfillment. (Location 2990)

Dissonance (Location 2992)

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When you are honoring your values regularly and consistently, you might say you have a formula for living happily ever after. (Location 2992)

Be aware that whenever people take the initiative to change their lives, an alarm sounds and the saboteur will awaken. Expect it. You can even forewarn your coachees. (Location 3007)

Note: The inner critic awakenes when tough choices towards a fulfilling life are taken

Fulfillment and the Coach’s Role

Choosing to live our lives based on our values is not what society has taught us to do. It is not the easy, well-trodden way. Most of us settle for what we can have. We make choices based on what others want, what would be easiest, what would cause the least discomfort. (Location 3011)

The coach’s role is to challenge coachees to pursue their fulfillment, in spite of the circumstances, in spite of the voices all around them offering bad advice and contrary agendas, and in spite of the coachee’s own inner saboteur. (Location 3014)

CHAPTER 9 Balance

In the co-active model, balance is one of the three core principles because it is fundamental to the quality of life. (Location 3023)

There is no static point in life; life is inherently dynamic. We are constantly balancing. (Location 3031)

In short, what most coachees want is not to go faster or slower or to have less or more, but to have a life-giving ride supported on the rails of a fulfilling life vision. How they get that ride is the objective of balance coaching. Note that some coachees want a smoother ride and some want the exhilaration of a bumpy ride, at least from time to time, and balance coaching can help them make that choice, too. (Location 3034)

Day to Day

In your eagerness to help coachees move forward, you, as coach, may be tempted to break the problems down into bite-sized bits and brainstorm solutions, to get results quickly and move past all that sluggishness or spinning wildly. Instead, balance coaching starts with the way coachees look at the situation; the need for different action is not the starting point. (Location 3048)

Balance coaching begins by looking at the boxes in which coachees find themselves, because the limitations of those boxes are impeding their progress. In doing so, coachees restore flow to those immediate areas and, in the process, learn important lessons about creating more flow in their lives. They learn to be more adept at seeing the boxes that hold them in, and the patterns of their own obstruction. What they learn by breaking out of those boxes serves them in other areas. This is how balance coaching works with the big agenda. (Location 3052)

Circumstances versus Possibilities

The truth is, there are things that coachees—or leaders for that matter—simply do not have control over. That’s not a perspective. It’s real. But the conversation doesn’t need to stop there. The question then becomes, “What do you have control over? What choices are possible?” (Location 3067)

In fulfillment, you tune your ear to hear the aliveness of values being lived, honored, and celebrated—a sense of purpose, a future envisioned. Or you could hear the opposite: deadness, anger, crankiness. In balance, you will hear a life in flow filled with possibilities and alternative courses of action, freedom, and creativity, or you will hear the harshness of unchangeable circumstances and unyielding boxes. (Location 3070)

A Formula for Balance Coaching

Step 1: Perspectives (Location 3076)

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The first step in balance coaching is to identify the coachee’s perspective and then expand the perspectives that are available. (Location 3077)

As humans, we tend to limit what is possible by what we believe is true, and if a coachee sees a situation as hopeless, it will be very difficult to create the conditions for change. Perception is reality. What’s more, the coachee has plenty of evidence from past experience that confirms this view and can tell you with complete certainty that the situation really is a dead end. It’s like a lens, formed over time, a filter that only allows the coachee to see things in a certain way. One or two previous experiences with unfortunate results and a perspective is formed—generalized from that sample. Then it becomes a habitual way of thinking. The filter finds more confirming evidence over time until these ways of thinking appear to be true, immutable, obvious. Case closed. (Location 3079)

Balance coaching starts by observing that there is a limiting perspective, and then naming it and exploring the impact of holding it. Once we’ve identified it, we can work with coachees to develop alternative perspectives that are more resourceful and creative and will provide more action possibilities. (Location 3088)

You can generate more perspectives by simply asking coachees What is another way of looking at this that would work for you? You can also brainstorm metaphors or images that provide creative material for additional perspectives. For example, How would a five-year-old see this? or What is the “good news” perspective? Or choose one of the coachee’s values: Adventure is a value of yours. What if you looked at this as a grand adventure? (Location 3091)

PART 4 Integration and Vision

CHAPTER 11 Putting It All Together

Integrating the Principles

As we have said from the outset, in the co-active coaching model, the goals and focus areas for the coaching, and the issues for any given coaching session, come from the coachee. Coachees set the agenda for the coaching relationship and each coaching session. That is their responsibility. (Location 3591)

For the coach, the information about where to go next with the coaching is right there, in the moment, in the Level II and Level III listening. This is crucial for coaches working in this model. Coaches listen for an overall sense of movement or energy and use that information to help form the next question or decide which skill to apply next. This is definitely an art that requires attentive listening and then dancing with whatever shows up. (Location 3600)

The issue that a coachee brings is a piece of a much larger puzzle. It should be treated with respect, not as a problem to be solved so that it disappears but rather as an opportunity to move toward a larger goal. (Location 3621)

Wearing Multiple Hats

What happens when the coach really does have expertise that would be valuable to coachees? ... The key in this situation is to be clear on several different levels. ... First, ask yourself, Is the information I have truly relevant to the coachee and the coachee’s situation? What specifically will this coachee gain from my contribution? Second, be clear with yourself and your coachee that you are not wearing your coach’s hat for this part of the session. You are wearing the hat of someone who has specific expertise or experience in the area under discussion. ... Third, make sure your coachee wants the information. Ask permission even if you are certain that the coachee will say yes. ... Fourth, be clear that you are offering this without attachment. (Location 3681)

The Coach’s Commitment

Coachees count on you to give them your 100 percent commitment. Be alert to those times when you begin to buy into their stories without question. Be willing to push back, to suggest a contrary point of view just for the sake of their exploration, so they are forced to be clear and rigorous in the stands they take. (Location 3760)

As coach, you are the model of courageous questioning. Part of your job is to be blunt—to say the unpopular, or even unreasonable, thing to help coachees reach their potential and live their fulfilling life, however they define it. If living a fulfilling life is a radical act, as we have said, then there will be times when yours will be the voice of fierce courage. You need to be willing to ask the tough question or tell the hard truth, even if it means your coachees will not like what they hear. (Location 3766)

Integration

Putting it all together is an integration process that happens in real life—not by reading about it. If you are starting down this coaching skills path, embrace the fact that there is a learning curve. You will become more competent by embracing your own incompetence and by learning from every experience. (Location 3833)

CHAPTER 12 The Expanding World of Coaching

In this book, we have emphasized individual, one-on-one coaching, but one of the fastest-growing segments of the coaching profession includes team coaching for work teams and relationship coaching for couples, partnerships, and families. All of the principles, contexts, and coaching skills still apply, but the “coachee” is the team or the relationship. (Location 3853)

Coaching teams is inherently more complex, and it requires specialized skills and competencies and an aptitude for group dynamics. It can be chaotic, emotional, demanding, and inspiring. (Location 3859)

Every system—human and natural—resists change. Homeostasis is a compelling power that tends to keep things as they are and exerts pressure to return to the way things have always been. There is also a complementary urge for change in every system, but in the human world it seems to need a fair amount of encouragement and support. Coaching is an ideal mechanism for sustaining change. (Location 3892)

Glossary